I <3 Summer
After exactly 1 week of frigid temperatures that dipped to a bitter 12’C at night and rose to a mild 30’C in the day, Mumbai has welcomed summer again with open arms.
“Its just January, bro. How could it possibly be summer?” you ask me.
HA! That’s where you’re wrong, as you will now see.
1. You know its summer because no one wears these utterly ridiculous things on their ears.
2. You know its summer because all the “protect your skin from dry weather” ads on tv have been dropped. Now, “protect your skin from oiliness” is all rage. YEAH!!!
3. You know its summer because road rage is back. People are so irritated with the freaking heat and traffic, they decide to run over anything that comes in their way.
3(a) You know its summer because of the number of fights that take place daily on the roads. Heat irritates people(example : me. im hot and i irritate people). When people are irritated, everything else irritates them more, andthey continue to become irritated unendingly until they explode and vanish.
3(b) You know its summer because of the deafening cacophony of horns and swear words on roads. Ex :
“Oye chutiya agey chal!!” *BLAAAAAH*
“Teri maa ki..” *BLEEEEEEH*
This conversation happened between a 7 year old male cyclist and a 80 year old male on a Bajaj Chetak. Guess who said what?
4. You know its summer when you walk from your fridge to your bathroom and discover you’re leaking salt water from your skin(also known as sweat).
5. You know its summer when you THEN rush to your AC and sit before it, only for the power to go off.
6. You know its summer when the power goes off as and when the electricity board feels like it because :
- i. Load shedding.
- ii. Too much demand blows a fuse.
- iii. Just because. Fuck you.
6(a) You know its summer when (as far as Mumbai goes) you literally HATE south Mumbai because they have 24.7 electricity AND water AND its all cheaper; and you really hate staying in the suburbs. And I’m not talking relatively cheap either(theyre all snobs, so..) but actual cheap. Fuck you, rich people.
7. You know its summer when literally all the people in the malls are there just for the AC and nothing else.
8. You know its summer when you WISH there were more trees around. You then promptly go to the park, to find it closed and a very irritated watchman chasing you off.
9. You know its summer when your friend who has a car refuses to turn on the AC to conserve petrol/battery/fuck you(again) and you beat him/her/it up.
10. You know its summer when water becomes liquid gold and all water cuts are on! Sadly, that limits your pee-poop times to 2hrs in the morning and 2hrs at night. True story.
11. You know its summer when, at 7pm, the ground is hot to even sit on.
12. You know its summer when, at 7am, the ground is hot to even sit on.
13. You know its summer when, trying to sit on the ground at ANY time will burn your sorry ass.
14. You know its summer when, you pour water on the ground for some vague reason to see it disappear in under 10 seconds
15. You know its summer when you hear of heatwaves happening in Russia : OMG! 30’C killed 30000 people!! RUN!!!….and forest fires in L.A county.
16. You know its summer when you wake up at 6 in the morning to take bath and find warm water coming from the taps and then a thought passes through your head : can I add icecubes in this?
17. You know its summer when being on the footboard of the train(in Mumbai) or under the air vent of the bus(in Chennai) is THE best possible place to be if you’re using public transport. Nothing beats the AC buses however, especially the Chinese-made Cerita King Long AC buses in Mumbai displayed below.
Except that they behave in true-Chinese-fake style and…don’t function properly. The government, being blind to this, went apeshit and ordered 200 of these things. I ask : why not Ashok Leyland or Tata AC buses(like in the airports)?
18. You know its summer when every dog you see has its tongue out.
19. You know its summer when you wished you could teleport yourself to fucking Norway. They only get the sun there for a few hours.
20. You know its summer when you walk outside, you feel like someone took a blanket, dipped it in hot water, warmed it again and threw it around you. The humidity is a big ugly motherfucking climatic-clusterfuck that is really really annoying.
“Fuck you” you say, “India is a tropical country. South of the Vindhyas, we don’t have winter. Prude.”
Yes, but it’s all relative. When you’re living for 3-4 months at a stretch with temperatures hovering above 35’C daily and hardly going below 27, ANYTHING below 27 is viewed as winter. When this “winter” doesn’t last very long, guys like me find the time to write a note like this.