A sadist of a lecturer + 60 disinterested students in a classroom=?
If you’ve ever wondered what would be the product of such a hazardous mix, read on.
The class begins at let us assume 8 AM. As happens with all pissed out lecturers, punctuality is a much-needed virtue. So, enter the classroom at 7:55 sharp. The seats are filled up starting from the back. The back bench is an economically viable product as the demand far exceeds the supply. So, the lucky few sit in the back bench and begin doing their morning stretching exercise which includes stretching of the jaw muscles a.k.a yawning and a more rigorous full body stretch a.k.a preparing for a nap. The lecturer walks in at 8:05. The lecturer is always early. YOU are always LATE. That is life. The lecturer scans the classroom for his/her prey. Target acquired. The following conversation takes place.
Lecturer:You, back bench! Yes, you!
L:How much did you get in your first internal?
T:Indistinct mumbling(is what the lecturer hears).
L:What? (motions to one of the few in the one of the front benches) You hear anything?
Front Bench Guy:Sir/Ma’am, no.(had this reply been in the affirmative, the unlucky guy would probably never pass the course in his lifetime).
L:You see? He can’t hear anything. Repeat.
L:Are you happy? (WTH?) If things go on like this, you will never pass. You have been warned.
The target doesn’t give a damn and resumes his sitting posture. The lecturer turns to the board. Just when the lecturer has finished writing the title of the day’s topic to be”covered”, a latecomer walks in. L vs LC….epic battle in store:
L:What is the time?
L:Go back to where you came(supposed to mean the hostel).
L(turns back to board):So today’s topic is….You’re supposed to be in the class before me. I can’t allow you inside.
LC:Sir/Ma’am, last time Sir/Ma’am.
This goes on for around five minutes. The cogs are turning in the lecturer’s head. He/She has two options:
1.Harass the latecomer in front of 60-odd students.
2.Harass a class of 60-odd students with no audience watching.
The most viable option is option 2. So, the latecomer is shooed away with threats ranging from not being given a week’s attendance to not being allowed to attempt the upcoming internal examination, if he does not leave immediately. As both threats are highly likely to be carried out, the latecomer retreats, ruing his bad luck while the ones inside envy his good fortune. The lecturer starts his lecture in a dry,flat and sleep-inducing tone.
Within the next two minutes, the class gets divided into two groups:1.The ones fighting sleep and 2.The ones who have succumbed to the seducing grasp of sleep.
Group 1 can be sub-divided into two groups:Groups 1a and 1b. Group 1a students are busy doodling or texting or looking at the clock and wondering: “How is such a huge dilation of time ever possible? Surely it is a violation of physics”. Such are the thoughts that pass through the minds of the students of Group 1a. Group 1b students are the ones who aspire to get perfect ten CGPA‘s and thus take notes and copy down numericals and derivations. These students; more than the students, their notebooks, are in heavy demand during the time of examinations. A single notebook is photo-copied into so many copies and this study material is what makes its way into the examination halls rolled up into pencil cases, shirt cuffs, socks, shoes and the like.
Moving on to the Group 2 students. They are the ones who have crumbled without any sign of resistance whatsoever. They enter the class, resign to their fate, take up position at their vantage points and as soon as the lecture starts, right on cue, they sink into their stupor. Nothing can awaken them except the magic phrase “Answer your attendance” which has to be uttered by the lecturer him/herself. For every enchantment is best removed by the caster himself. The class drags on for an hour by the end of which, even the Group 1a students start catching their forty winks. But the Group 1b students are undeterred. How they stay awake is beyond me. The lecturer is passive to his/her surroundings. He/she does not notice anything in the class. His/her target audience is conscious and that is sufficient encouragement for him/her to continue.
But (un)fortunately, the good Samaritan who happens to be the lecturer for the next hour, is standing right outside the classroom and he/she seems to say,”Time up!” ,something every student says at the end of 60 gruelling minutes of attending class. The lecturer, with a big frown plastered on his/her face, extracts the attendance register from amidst his/her many papers and says the magic words, the mantra which awakens the otherwise dead. The attendance is taken without much ceremony. The absentees’ names are called several times in some misguided hope that they may somehow answer their attendance. After the attendance is done, the bombshell which the lecturer was cradling in his/her devilish arms is dropped. “Quiz tomorrow. Portions-whatever I have covered till today.” This statement evokes the following reactions-Groups 2 and 1a:What??? What has he covered to set a quiz on??? Group 1b:Condescending looks at the remaining students that seem to say, “You’ll come to me in the end, I know it. Muhahaha!!”
Thus, one hour of gruelling torture ends. The lecturer leaves behind in his wake, a board covered with meaningless graphs and equations. The afore mentioned graphs and equations are replicated exactly in the minds and in the notebooks of the Group 1b members. The Group 1a students check out their works of impromptu art on their canvasses, their notebooks. The Group 2 students move out, eager to resume their duty in another classroom.
Dedicated in memoriam of all those unfortunate souls who got liberated from their earthly shackles, waiting for the class to end.
Cheers, a loyal member of Group 2, a former member of Groups 1a and 1b.