9 Types of Facebook users

1. Stuck in a time machine

So you run into your 50 year old neighbor in the lift. She asks you if you use Facebook. Instead of saying “Like DUH!”, you say “Yes, aunty.”

So she tells you she has created a “Facebook” and wants to be friends with you there. You nod in the affirmative, deeply troubled by this turn of events.

You “Facebook” her, and realize you just joined so many others who “friended” those who joined Facebook clearly when they are beyond the age for it.

I mean seriously, it strikes to me as weird that people over 50 need anything to do with Facebook at all! I just can’t understand why. It’s a pity, because even as I’m trying to wrap my head around it and grapple with it, more and more “Incorrectly-aged Facebook users” join everyday, changing the demographics and turning the BASIC FUCKING POINT of Facebook on its head.

It was created as a way to keep in touch with friends. We can always stay in touch with family. HELL, they’re fucking family. You HAVE to stay in touch with them. And if you’re already 50, odds are, you are NOT in touch with friends.

So what you doing on Facebook then? I’m trying to be as politically correct as possible, so tell me if I’m wrong.

2. 404 : Does not exist

These are the funny fake people on Facebook. They have a spinoff (#9) whose motives are different and mode of operation is different. These guys are there purely for the sake of hilarity and the LULZ.

Like this really hilarious profile I found on Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000894365381&ref=ts.

And this guy vows to catch the afore mentioned guy and all his relatives : https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000895565332

I really have nothing more to say about these guys, other than the fact that they’re hilarious. How about providing some links of some funny fake profiles in the comments?

3. Orkutiya

This is the unique breed/brand/type of user who made the unlikely and horrifying transition from Orkut to Facebook, when Orkut was proclaimed dead.

See, the word “Orkutiya” itself is a mixture of “Orkut + Chutiya”. Therefore, an Orkutiya was the guy doing all nonsense(chutiya-giri) on Orkut, such as sending requests to pretty girls and guys all the same and saying pure golden gems like :

“Do u wanting make fraandhsseep with me. Myself Hoppesh Dungal, nice guy fair funny would liking knowing you plej ok thnx rly tc” and “Some like Goldship, some like silvership, myself likes only frandship”.

Clearly Literary Nobel Prize winner materials, these Orkutiyas.

When they are not destroying the very foundations of English, they still send requests, pokes, messages et al wherever and whenever they can.

4. The Ninja

Some of the most absurd people on Facebook will most definitely be Ninjas.

A ninja in real life is characterized by fast, lightning-quick speed.Ā  Something similar happens with the Facebook Ninja too :

  • Sign in
  • Check notifications
  • Randomly like comments/wallposts/ links/albums/pictures
  • Sign out

So before you know what hit you, you would have 10 notifications and the person giving these notifications would simply not be there any more on Facebook. The Facebook ninja would have completed his actions in a space of less than 10 seconds.

And then, POOF! He’s gone.

5. Omnipresent/Jobless

Quite nearly the exact opposite of the Ninja. This person is always present on Facebook. ALWAYS. Never do they ever sign out. Even if they have that fucking halfmoon sign next to their names on chat, the moment you ping them, it becomes that green blob. Its like…they’re waiting for you.

They comment on every single thing you post, like every single thing you post, and every single thing everyone does. They break all the records for all the games on Facebook. They send you so many invites for Farmville, you wonder if they wrote the fucking game.

Yours truly is one of these guys. And proud of it. Joblessness FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!!

6. Picturr Purrfect

So you decide to log into Facebook one day. You know, just because. You realize your “wall” is inundated with pictures. Of. One. Person.

Mostly, this one person will be a female. Unless you have gay friends + you’re gay, that is. I can say with UTMOST CONFIDENCE that 9/10 times, its a girl.

Those pictures will have a miserably large number of “likes” and “comments”. YOU, however, don’t stand a chance on comparision.

All your picture got was paltry 3 likes, one of which was yours. and 2 comments, one of which was by a person who used some app and did not know how to answer. You will always be miserable with these persons in your friends list.

ALWAYS.

7. Hardly there & Busy.

OF course, not if you’re this type. You created your account only because all your friends made you to, or because you confused Facebook with job-searching social networking site LinkedIn, or…just because.

Whatever your reasons, you have demonstrated that you are utterly disinterested in using whatever account you have.

You are not even a ninja who uses it occasionally at ultrafast speeds. You just don’t use it. Ever.

This is also reinforced by the fact that every persons initial Facebook display picture is NOT that of themselves, but something else. ALWAYS. And your picture is still some whacky cartoon with a stupid caption. From 2008.

8. FAKEE!!!

A spinoff of 404 guy, FAKEE!! people are usually those who are trying to bamboozle others for LULZ, without acknowledging they’re fake. Everyone knows the 404 guy is Fake. Only the smartest know these guys are fake.

These guys also don’t realize what they do is wrong legally.

NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE is anonymous on the internet. NOT EVEN THE WEB TERROR GROUP NAMED ANONYMOUS.

4chan

Literally the worst place with the worst people on the internet.

Your ISP, alias Internet Service Provider, knows all the shit you do and if you DO create a fake ID for your LULZ and cheat somebody who is connected to the police, then they will knock down your door and arrest you. Your ISP will only be more than happy to provide all the details of all your nefarious activities to the cops.

I think it’s time people realized that and stopped creating stupid ID’s. And I’m serious.

9. You(probably..hopefully)

Normal people. Quiz :

Are you normal?

Do you exist?

Do you use Facebook in limitation?

Do you have less than 20 display images with a reasonable number of comments and likes?

Are you in the right age group and NOT technologically challenged

Do you accept that Facebook is different from Orkut?

If you said “YES” to everything, then you are normal.

Go have a brownie now. šŸ˜€

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Posted on March 27, 2011, in Lists. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

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