OHMYGOD! ITS A PANDA!

I shall tell you a short story.

Little Oman “Ladiesfinger” Erasthenes Duraisingam and his friend Watha Aravind “Starbucks” Potopov were walking on the cold, cold streets and occasionally, sidewalks, of Moscow. Yes, their names are Little Oman Ladiesfinger Duraisingam, for short LOLED and Watha Aravind “Starbucks” Potopov, for short WASP.

They were visiting as a part of the International Marble and Beyblade Tournament held annually every year. This year, obviously, it was being held in Moscow.

Starbucks was THE PRO in Beyblade! He is SUCH a pro, that an exclamation mark spontaneously appeared after the previous sentence! And after that one too.

He was undefeated in 31.5 matches, that .5 existing due to him hulking out after his Tajikisthani opponent farted in the middle of his “pulling-the-blade-string” ritual, making him lose his concentration and fling his beyblade onto the…whatever the hell it is that they play on.

It broke. Since no clear rules exist in the “International Code for Beyblade Warriors” AGAINST players doing this, he was declared winner because he had the “blade” in his hand then, but simply just fuck because. The closest the rules even come is in Chapter 124.23.A.4 which states, “Fuck you, you’re DQ if you fuckin’ break the…whatever it is…with your fuckin hand”.

Rules against him, his Tajikisthani opponent  wept and soon after retired from all forms of the game : friendlies, tests, POKEMON-BEYBLADE duality and of course, the ever popular BEYBLADE-KRAV MAGA matchups.

Anyway, Ladiesfinger wasn’t so bad at playing marbles either. He was accustomed to playing in the gullies and narrow streets and slums of big cities like Vienna, Sao Paulo and Tokyo. He was used to all conditions and climates and situtations for playing.

Infact, once when his pet hamster escaped from its apartment(it had a habit of doing that), it found its way to “THE CENTRE”(as Ladiesfinger liked to call his marble playing abode”. It ate a marble, but Ladiesfinger, without flinching, directly aimed another marble right at the hamsters head. Obviously, there was a grisly marble-hamster-head collision, and legend has it that the other marble was ejected out by the shocked-to-hell hamster with such great speed that it made a neat round hole through his marble wall. WOW.

Back to topic.

Clearly, both these two are the CHAMPIONS of whatever they do. Unable to find Saravana Bhavan in Moscow, after walking for 5 hours, they decided to go back to their hotel. But they did not trust any taxi there, owing to the ominous impression that these cars were built when communism first started in Russia.

Would YOU, human, use this dipshit?

Apprehensive, since it was getting dark, and we all know how sportsmen are when it becomes dark(they become little girls), they decided to jog back to their hotel.

Quite suddenly, a large man spirited himself into existence in front of them. He had two things in his hand : a macaroni, and a cheesebox. He nodded at them.

Mistaking this horrifying phenomenon to be a Moscow tradition towards frightened pedestrians jogging at night, the two began eating the mac. They ignored the cheese.

Just as suddenly as the man appeared in front of them, a panda appeared. About 45′ to the right of the man, maybe 4-5 feet away. It looked like this :

Also, it was staring at themThey were unsure of what to do. The panda was Chinese, a nation which is very touchy and easily offendable, plus the Russian not appear to be aware of or respect the 4 dimensions. They kept eating.

The panda came closer. It was now 2-3 feet away.

Ignorant of this fact, they stuffed the Mac into their mouth. The Russian indicated toward the cheese, and they politely declined.

The panda went apeshit.

Pandashit?

It became very angry.

It moved surprisingly fast for an animal thought to be cute and cuddly. It ROARED with viciousness(though this actually sounded more like a TVS-50), and pushed Ladiesfinger to the ground. It knocked the fork out of Starbucks’ hand, who immediately frowned, then sobbed, then started crying then wept.

Why would it be such an inhuman and cruel, yet kung-fu-move loaded beast?

Is there a moral in that? Just remember this always. It will save your life.

Because they said NO to cheese. Its macaroni and cheese, not just macaroni. It’s deliciously ironical that I took an American dish for all seasons(breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, toilet, car, fastfood etc) and made it look as if a Russian man were giving it.

Because, you know, America and Russia are…you know. See what I did there? DID YOU SEE IT! I’m frikkin’ awesome.

Back to topic.

Because even though Panda is an essentially Egyptian milk brand, it had found its way to Russia, where it attacked the non-believers of its useful health effects and great taste. I’m not sure if that even made sense, I’m just typing fast so that the Panda doesn’t come here to attack me. NEVER SAY NO TO PANDA!!

Anyway, the subsequent conversation that went on between Starbucks and Ladiesfinger follows

S : WTF was that brah?

L : I think it was a panda, attacking us for the lulz

S : OHMYGOD! IT WAS A PANDA!!

L : Yeah I guess so

S : Let’s get a cab, even that stupid dipshit one.

L : I’m not paying

S : Lolwa re Lolwa, you are paying.

So, uh, the ultimate point..aim…theme..fuckit what I’m trying to say is, just eat cheese and don’t go to Russia.

Because in Russia, Pandas come to you.

(Buttchocolate/ED: WTF was this guy drunk when he wrote this? LOL!! CHECK IT OUT GUYS!!)

Posted on March 29, 2011, in Just For Laughs. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.



  1. I think that would be a good response.

Ok now say something. It's still a democracy in this part of the world.

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