So..this won’t happen?

I was playing “running-and-catching” with my friends one day. I was running, and 40 of my friends and about 30 enemies, and some 124 random people were chasing me. I believe I “had” one of their shoes which “appeared” in my hands before I started running. I don’t know how. I blacked out.

Anyway, after running through malls, roads, under flyovers, over parked autorickshaws and in-between buses, I was caught when I fell into an open area in the road.

Like it was not open, as in empty, but open as in literally open. It was a pit. Maybe a mine. In the city? Being India, anything is possible. I shall call it a crater and assume a space object landed in it and subsequently left after realizing WHERE it landed. In India. Damn.

I was pulled out by what I subsequently understood to be an elephant. What the hell was it doing here? I had no idea. I was hauled up and onto a policevan, much to my surprise and apparently to everyone’s surprise. I wanted to jump from the police van onto a ledge and run. I could not bring myself to do it. I took out my mobile and typed Rocketman in it. No jetpack appeared. THEN I realized GTA was a LIE!! A BIG GODDAMEND LIE!! THE CHEATCODES DONT WORK!!!

I surrendered and was taken to the nearest police station.The chief police officer demanded a bribe, which I refused to pay as I had no money myself. He asked for some “guarantee” so I gave him the shoes I had stolen. The policeman then forgave me and asked me to prepare a list of things that would NOT happen in and around India, for his amusement. So I prepared the following list.

1) Sreesanth scoring restricting the opposition with figures of 10/4/35/6

2) Australia being gracious in defeat and clapping when Sehwag FINALLY stays past 30 overs and scores a double century

3) China becoming a democracy

4) All the First World Nations welcoming immigrants with open arms because we’re their only way out of their mess.

5) Fair and Lovely and all spinoffs FAIL because Indians realize beauty is inside and not on the skin.

6) South Indian actors become younger and more fit, on par with their heroines

7) TV Serials don’t broadcast everyday but once a week and have some meaningful themes like life in India.

8) The Congress actually does something GOOD for the country

9) A *VIABLE* alternative source of energy is discovered

10) Google agrees to delete all our data from its servers every week.

11) Apple products become cheap.

12) Nokia FINALLY agrees to Android phones

13) Mahindra FINALLY comes out with good looking cars

14 ) Tata FINALLY comes out with cars that don’t look alike

15) Import duty on cars is FINALLY scrapped altogether

16) India FINALLY repays all its outstanding dues to Japan, the World Bank and wait for it….CHINA!!!!

17) $1 trillion abroad is brought back.

18) India goes on an unbeaten streak of 40 matches in ODI‘s

19) Liverpool FINALLY win the EPL and Champions league

20) Arsenal FINALLY get relegated

21) England FINALLY wins the football World Cup

22) India FINALLY wins 100 gold medals at the Olympics

23) The sex ratio changes in favor of men : 2000 girls to 1000 boys. That would be seriously awesome. We would be REQUIRED to be with more than one woman.

24) Roads are FINALLY laid all over India and not just the big cities

25) An ice age occurs and brings down global temperatures by 20’C. Chennai in May at 20’C ? Whoa.

26) India becomes a permanent member at the security council

27) Nuclear weapons are destroyed all over the world

28) Osama is caught and jailed, with rotting vegetables thrown at him by common people everyday. He is made into a tourist attraction.

29) China agrees that it’s not the badass of the World and becomes quiet. SHUT UP CHINA!! YOU ARE ANNOYING

30) Israel successfully builds the wall effectively trapping Palestinians within Jerusalem

31) India finally qualifies for the FIFA World Cup

32) Global warming stops and the island of Tuvalu reappears from the Pacific Ocean

33) Wildlife greatly improves and the Tiger population gets to about 1 million

34) Pigeons become extinct

35) Mosquitoes become extinct

36) Flies become extinct

37) Lady Gaga quits music

38) Justin Bieber accepts he sucks and runs away

39) The Naxals give up their cry for communism and go to schools instead

40) India sends a manned space mission to the moon

41) India sends people to Mars

42) India has music concerts without HIGH ENTERTAINMENT TAXES. Fuck you, Indian Government. Yeah I said it. You SUCK.

43) India FINALLY builds its own airplanes and stops depending on Boeing/Airbus

44) India finally decides its too dirty and decides to clean up with a vengance

45) Indians decide to be polite to each other

46) Indians agree to complete their work properly

47) Indians agree that honesty is the best policy

That’s it

I’m out of points. Now LET ME GO YA BASTARDD!!!

So he threw me in jail. I escaped by farting and knocking out the jail wardens and taking their keys. Jail sucks ya.

Posted on April 3, 2011, in Just For Laughs. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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