What The Human Body Should Be Like

Have you ever woken up for school in the mornings at 530, and wondered just how it is possible that the bed seems soooooooo inviting when you have to wake up?

I want to make love to my bed

Yeah I have, too. That’s about the time I also start hoping for some of the things that evolution skipped.

Like keeping your eyes open and sleeping. This is possibly possible, and is called day-dreaming sometimes. We should totally be able to do that. That would be the most badass thing that humans would have been able to do.

I also root for being able to “turn off” my ears, so that I don’t keep hearing all the nonsense that happens around me. When you’re in Mumbai, the sound of train horns and vehicle horns and gaalis become all too familiar.

It’s so bad I actually think not in words, but in different pitches of car and train horns. Really, I swear.

If I could just shut my ears down, and bask in the silence of my daydreams, I would be “winning” straight away.

Charlie Sheen is a very wise man.

How about flying? That’s a totally cool thing which would make Newton and the Wright Brothers a comic strip and the laughing stock of our history classes.

“ha ha ha! They BUILT something to fly on! LOL!”

If I could fly, I could give all these idiot rickshaw wallas in Mumbai the longest finger I have on either arm. And I’m talking Superman-fly, not crow-fly. Flying like birds is bullshit. It’s hard work. The world is full of lazy bums like myself. Why should we do anything to fly? How about just taking off and landing?

I could also fly to 10,000 feet, where I will presumably be alone, and relieve myself and watch my pee crystallize into yellow condensates. Then as it meets a warm front, it will rain pee.

Yuk. Sorry for that image. Here’s a kitten instead :


I think the big man above should have included a standard full-spectrum eye kit in humans. I am dissatisfied with the colors I am seeing now. It would be ultra cool if we could see ultra violet and infrared, like the bees. Or we would be mindblown and blinded. Either way, it tops what we see now. VIBGYOR? Please.

Pictured : Boredom

The dude above has forgotten to give us total control over our metabolism. Let me explain. I am 19. I used to shave once a week. Now I shave twice a week. It’s growing faster than I can actually replace my razors. I can’t just will my facial hair to fall off. It’s incredibly annoying and frustrating and boring.

If I had control over how fast my facial hair grew (no idea why I shared THAT on the blog), then I would be ultracool and happy.

If I also controlled how exactly my facial hair grew, I could switch from goatee to “The Osama” as fast as Indian drivers change lanes.

Or alternatively, go from "douche" to "douchebag".

Also, I should spontaneously be able to allow all light to pass right through me as and when I feel like, in something people like to call invisibility. I call it something God utterly missed. I’m pretty sure everyone has wanted atleast a million times in their lives to become invisible. Just vanish and reappear, shocking the hell out of other people and presumably getting beat up afterwards.

I would also appreciate an eidetic memory. I mean seriously, a photographic memory is just utterly badass even when you consider Mr. Badass Chuck Norris.

I am going to die now, aren't I?

The ability to recall things as and when you want it is just sick. It really is. Seems like a geeky thing to say, but think about it.

I would totally appreciate being able to see into the future, but that would mean a fallacy. If I saw into the future, and did the complete opposite to make sure “the future” I saw did not occur, then how could I have seen that future in the first place? Mindblowing, I know. And it’s not even timetravel.

I just need an excuse to use this picture somewhere

I’d like this particularly because I really want to be able to predict exam papers, winners of IPL matches and EPL results. No actually, I already know who’s going to win the EPL.


That’s all I’ve got. I am currently unhappy with being just a stupid pipsqueak human.

Have you got more? Have I missed something? Tell me in the comments below.

Posted on April 14, 2011, in Personal Musings. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’d love to write articles for your blog/website.

Ok now say something. It's still a democracy in this part of the world.

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