I’m sure most of you move around and live in India.
If you don’t, hello!
I have always been stymied by the complexities of travel in India. No actually I’ve not been “stymied”, I’ve been bugged to the CORE of my liver.
If your IQ is above zero, you would have probably figured out that there are multiple ways to move around in India : air, rail, water, road, animal or foot.
Unfortunately teleportation is exclusively for awesome people like me, so I will not write about it, otherwise you’d all become jealous.
Let me start with air travel :
It’s no fun when you have to travel by air in India, what now with the fake pilots scam and all.
I never, ever even vaguely imagined people in India would be retarded enough to become “fake” pilots or allow some unqualified idiot to become a pilot.
But when you have already paid 40K for a ticket, you can do nothing except push that information to the back of your head and presumably piss in your pants a little.
So you enter the airport where you show your identity proof and ticket to some heavily armed guards. They examine it closely, looking at your face and your identity proof a hundred times and eventually nod you in with a grunt.
You then have to search around for the counter for your airline, and if you do find it, then you get a boarding pass and a bunch of tags. You then move on to security, where you wait for 2 Ice Ages till the line moves and your turn to walk through the metal detector arrives. Then another heavily armed security officer pats you down, stamps his approval on your boarding pass and you take your bags from the baggage scanner and walk away.
Then it’s waiting. Waiting waiting waiting waiting till the feeble announcement for your flight is made. You move at light speed to the aerobridge, only to discover to your dismay that it is already filled with a million people. The crowd moves slowly and then you’re finally within spitting distance of the planes door.
Note : do not actually spit. You will be deplaned before even boarding the plane.
You then negotiate seemingly extremely narrow aisles that must have been created for the son of the founder of Airbus/Boeing. After getting bumped by suitcases and the overhead bins 1000 times a minute, you finally find your seat and sit.
It is THEN that your copassenger suddenly appears and haltingly smiles at you, indicating for you to move, and you oblige, standing up in the aforementioned narrow 10 mm aisle and allowing them to crawl in. After the awkwardness of the inevitable physical contact has passed, you fasten your seatbelt and wait for take off.
The next day, the plane finally begins taxiing and groans to the runway. Then before you know it, the pilot suddenly kicks on full throttle and you know it because your stomach has landed in the tail section of the plane, along with your eyeballs and hair. It finally takes off and you are in the air when your copassenger realises he has to pee. You again get up, and after the awkwardness has yet again passed, food arrives.
You open the food packet delightedly, only to realise that they have actually provided you with raw vegetables such as carrots and lettuce (Note : True story on Emirates) because you chose “Vegetarian” as your food preference.
You ignore it and go to sleep. After one hour, the plane prepares for landing and suddenly lands, with a harsh bump, creating a moment when everyone in the plane will be praying to the same God : Rajinikanth. It finally slows down and halts, and people will heave a sigh of relief and get up to retrieve their baggage from the overhead bins
All at the same time.
In unison, they all move to the aisle at the same time, and attempt to move forward. Everyone wants to leave the plane for which they paid a Rs.40K ticket at the same time, obviously because their appointments cant wait at all, not even for ten minutes.
After an eternity and numerous shoves from the back, you find yourself involuntarily moving to the exit, being waved out by a smiling, relieved airhostess and you land in the terminal.
You search for the baggage carousel and find it, then begins your second search, for your baggage.
Being super pissed and beginning to hulk out, you elbow, stamp, bite, pull, push and pinch your way to the conveyor belt where you wait for approximately 2 months before your baggage arrives.
You heave it off and walk toward and outside the exit and walk into your next trap : the roads.