It’s summer. That means your vacations are either beginning, or your vacations have ended or you just don’t have vacations. Whatever the case, you’ll be able to relate to the journey everyone inevitably takes to the mall.
When I say all this, I automatically assume you’re an average person like myself going to an average mall, not the ones you can find in Gurgaon or whatever.
Step 1 : Call people.
This is not the hardest step of them all. This is, infact, the easiest.
You just take out your phone from your front pocket, put it in your rear and sit on it. Your bum dials people for you (happened to me so many times). They answer, presumably hear the sound of your intestines working some shizzle, and hang up. And they call you back.
You then go “Heyy sup? Oh I called? Sorry about th–wanna come to the mall?”
You repeat the process 50 times and wind up with 8 people who are jobless enough to go to the mall with you.
Top tip : Do NOT sit on your cellphone if it’s a Nokia. Your ass will be ended. Nokia has pathetic software but astonishing hardware.
Step 2 : Choose and decide on a particular and agreeable mode of transport.
Now the trouble starts. If you don’t have a mode of transport which you can all use (like a Maruthi 800 or a cycle), then the Debate of the Century will commence :
A: Too expensive!
A: It’s too hot! It’ll be too crowded! There’s no direct bus!
Q : Hmm…train?
A: LOLwut..what you smoking bro?
Q: What the actual fuck? Ok how about call taxi?
A: If you want to pay for it then fine.
Step 3 (a) : Postpone the trip to another day because you’ve spent all your time arguing.
Inevitably, this may happen. Let’s face it, there is never a consensus EVER no matter what friends do. When a group of friends are together, there’s bound to be disagreements. Alone.
Even if these friends are going to play football. Then the disagreements will be about the teams, about the distance between the newly made goalposts, about the distance between the goalposts etc etc.
You know what I’m on about here, veryannoyeddude. Yeah, I’m talking to you.
Step 3 (b) : Just say f*k it and leave anyway.
Of course, if you’re the sort who decides to let all problems solve themselves, you’ll invariably leave when said problems begin appearing.
So you might have left if no agreement was reached on the agreeable mode of transport and ironically enough, you may prove to be the catalyst that succeeds in getting everyone to leave. Seriously.
Step 4 : Meet up at the mall.
A long, long time later, all of you have a rendezvous at the mall.
Or only one of you, if you followed the previous step and realized no one actually came with you to the mall.
If that happened, I’m very sorry but you’re not popular.
Step 5 : Decide what you’re going to do and where you’re going to go and spend time arguing about that.
As I have unequivocally stated a few steps ago, there’s no gathering of friends without disagreements. When one Mt.Disagreement is out of the way, the next one appears : WTF do we do in the mall?
This step may occur before you leave (in which case you’re super smart people) or after you reach (in which case you’re like 98% of the mall-going population).
Asking that kind of question in a mall is stupid, but the question inevitably crops up because of the various things to do in the mall and the various people with you who have various interests who have come to the mall to do said various things in their own various ways and orders.
Step 6 (a): Just say f*k it and do what you want anyway.
If you’re Mr.Independent, then you’ll probably just wander off on your own to Landmark to browse through Ayn Rand’s books.
Again, 2 things could happen here :
a) You are followed by your gang, and they also do what you do. This will 100% definitely “guaranteeably” happen only if its your birthday. If it happens on non-birthdays, stand for the Lok Sabha elections because you can totally win it.
b) No one follows you and people do what they want. Then there’s no real point in coming to the mall with your friends if you’re going to do stuff separately. Therefore you are a failure and must never enter any mall again.
Step 6 (b) : Call everyone to the food court.
Nothing unites people like food.
Step 7 : Go to the movies and find out what movies are available.
This is a step most people more often than not take, whether they realize they’re doing it or not.
You walk by the movie screen, see what movies are there, because you’re so bored and want to d..HEY THEYRE SHOWING KUNG-FU PANDA 2 HERE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!!
Step 8 (a) : Decide all movies are too expensive and go somewhere else.
Then you go and enquire with the kind person sitting behind a glass wall about the cost of the tickets.
Your jaw drops when he mentions something upwards of 200 bucks.
Step 8 (b) : Just say fuck it and watch the hell out of a random movie.
200 bucks? So what? It’s not like you come to the mall everyday!
So you say fuck it and watch the movie.
a) You watch the movie alone. Then you are stupid, because none of your friends are willing to blow 200 bucks on a movie that will be out on DVD or can be got by torrenting in no time.
b) You watch the movie with all your friends, in which case all of you are stupid because its a GODDAMN MOVIE and if you have a GODDAMN internet connection at home, you can get it there.
Or you could just have fun with friends. I don’t want to be a killjoy.
Step 9 : Roam around. Gawk at people (if you’re guys) or comment on what other females are wearing (if you’re girls).
Ok you blew most of your money on the movie and the food and travel. There’s nothing much to do except, you know, just hang.
Most people go directly to step 9 from step 1 most of the time, which is why malls seem so full.
So if you’re guys, you gawk at all the..uh..well endowed members of the female species that show up. It’s a human thing.
If you’re girls, you still look at all the other girls who show up and say “Uhh, what a fashion disaster” or “That top is killing my eyes” or “That shoe was out of fashion when the British left India”.
I KNOW girls say shit like this because I hang out with girls most of the time here in Mumbai. Don’t deny it ladies : you judge other girls solely to boost your ego. This may be cliched, but cliches don’t come into being unless they’re true.
Step 10 : Walk confidently into a big store and begin doing something.
After a considerably long time spent on doing exactly zero things, you decide to do something and walk into some store.
If you walk into a bookstore, most guys head for the
- Games section and start playing on an idle PS 3 or XBox 360 or XBox Kinect.
- Humor book section and laugh at the crass jokes in it.
- Audio/Movie section and take down a list of songs they’ve never heard of just because.
If you walk into the bookstore and you’re a girl then I have no idea what you do.
If you walk into the big departmental store like Lifestyle, most guys will beat it because there’s nothing to do. I mean, when your mother buys you underwear, you are worry free in your life as far as clothes are concerned.
Not so with girls. They’ll go in, try on random tops, click pictures in the trial room and walk out. Also, they’ll bathe themselves in the suffocatingly oppressive perfume section which will have 0.001 straight guys in it.
They’ll go to the jewelry section and ogle at all those sparkly-sparkly things and probably leave.
Yes, cliched. Also, true.
Step 11 : Realise its become late and you’ve caught rush hour traffic.
By the time all this is done, you remember you have something stuck to your wrist and look at it. Quickly realizing what it is and what it says (8 pm), your brain goes into ULTRAPANIC mode and you say “shitshitshitshitshit we have to leave shitshitshitshitshitshit”.
You walk outside. You see a sea of cars, buses, autos, whathaveyou cyclists.
Step 12 : Reach home close to midnight.
You decide to go for it anyway, and now there won’t be arguments about the mode of transport because ALL of you have to go to your respective houses and that’s your sole priority.
On your journey home, you will undoubtedly curse :
- All these other people on the road for existing.
- All those stupid pedestrians for stopping your 20km/h journey home.
- The Government for not building those badass expressways you see in the movies, in L.A and all.
- The Government for making the roads SO FUCKING NARROW.
- The Government for not giving you proper public transportation (Read : Metro Trains)
- Yourself, for being born in a country with 1 billion people, all of whom are in the road in your city at the same time, just to prevent you from reaching home.