WAINGAFAT Tuesday : Confessions of a sad ButtChocolate

WAINGAFAT is an acronym for Who Am I Not Giving A Fuck About Today, but I’ve modified it to What Am I Not Giving A Fuck About Today. Same thing.

From today, my WAINGAFAT is girls, whether in real life or in the vast, confusing troll-filled hellhole that is the interwebs.

Specifically, good looking girls.

I’m going to wait for the girls to come to me. And they will. What makes you think I don’t have girls scratching at my door right now?

Oh they won’t because I’m an anonymous blogger blogging on some blog, which implies I don’t have a life? I’m part man and part zondarg, and I have do a life, FYI.

Also, since I have made this very startling and astonishing declaration on such a public forum which is viewed by as many as 30 people and 2 cats a week, you can guarantee that I’ll stick to it no matter what.

Everyone, meet This Is Sparta (on the left) and STFU (on the right) - the 2 cat fans of this blog.

Yes sirs and madams, I refuse to “stalk” girls online or in real life, or even give as much as a ding about them. That’s right, online girls and real life good looking girls, you’ll get precisely and exactly zero shits from me now.

You’re a closed chapter for me now. I have evolved beyond that puny miniscule pathetic business to higher intellectual and existential levels, such as reading Ayn Rand‘s Atlas Shrugged and figuring out if India would have indeed been better if it had not been separated into Pakistan, Bangladesh and Congress.

But why oh why have I said such a cruel and heartless thing (and also broken the hearts of a million young ladies in the process)?

 

It's ok, Mila Kunis and Megan Fox. I'm all yours.

 

Probably because my own heart was broken. Let me enunciate as dramatically and as neutrally as possible.

1. My grouse against online girls.

I joined MyFace (Editor : Facebook. Change it and publish it.) sometime back. MyTube (Editor : It’s Facebook) is interesting in the sense you can add people and talk with them and get to know them and involve them in your Mars and Earth wide conspiracy to steal graphite. That’s what I thought for a while after I joined YouFace (Editor : ITS FACEBOOK YOU DERF) anyway. And then I came across her.

I saw this pretty young female member of the human race and decided, “HOLY CRAP WOW SHIT OMG BRITANNIA TREAT SHES HOT” and added her. I frequently kept checking up on her to see if she’d accepted my request or not (because I had no idea we actually get notifications if people accept our requests) and nothing moved for 3 years.

Then suddenly, one day, I could add her again. She had rejected me.

My heart was broken. Into tiny, Pikachu shaped smithereens.

 

Just look at that bastard.

 

In that large time frame, I had, in my brilliant and imaginative head :

  • had 4 kids with her (3 human females and 1 male zondarg) after marrying her,
  • divorced her because we were unable to come to a settlement about the Ferrari that I got when I won the lottery,
  • and re-married her after a short and super steamy (you know it will be, because it’s me) game of basketball which I lost (deliberately, I don’t miss layups that often).

4 times. That happened 4 times in my head. And she rejected me, impolitely annihilating all those memory filled-neurons that had grown in that timeframe.

So I wrote a pained and emotional Twitter-style message to her while adding her again, going thus :

Y u rjctd me v marrd wt kds n frri y u no accpt rqst accpt plz k or GTFO

Weirdly, she replied (without accepting my request again) and said she was a man from Brazil, who found these pictures on some local modelling site and is happy comprehensively fooling the hell out of those 4000 Russian, Eastern European, Middle-Eastern and Indian friends of hers.

My mind was blown. She’s a man? But she = female, so I disputed his/her explanation in my head for a while before coming to terms with it.

Why would anyone pretend to be a Russian model and fool so many men charged with so much testosterone from so many nationalities at once? Isn’t that banned under the Geneva conventions?

It isn’t?

It should be.

Unfortunately this happened before I even read what types of people exist on this thing called Myface MyTube YouBook Facebook and how to be careful about that shit.

2. My grouse against real life girls

Fresh from this “rejection”, I decided to stay away from girls online because :

  • They’re not girls.
  • I’m not gay.

I immediately ran into this girl called..uhh..X. So X is like, really hot. She’s pretty much perfect – she’s got great eyes, a proper nose that doesn’t look fake, great hair that can become any hairstyle and an awesome dressing sense.

She smelt like the insides of Lifestyle. If any guy ever dared walk in there, you know the smell. You’re also dead right now. Cool.

For those who have smartly avoided going into Lifestyle : It is suffocating and saturated with all kinds of perfume smells. Women all over the place will be pouring perfume on themselves in the name of “trials“. You fraud and bogus XX chromosomed critters.

Shame on you. Internet Geek disapproves.

She was also funny and liked everything I hated. Opposites attract, right? I followed the typical steps that any guy who crushes on a girl, should do :

  1. Get to know her : Be cool. Impress her. Don’t be clingy.
  2. Be her friend : Not “be the solid rock in her life” thing, but be there for her, be funny and all that. Help her out. Hold the door open for her, put her on the safe side of the road and expose yourself to Indian traffic while walking with her, always follow her and never let her lag behind in a group, pay for her, yada yada yada. If you don’t know all this, stay away from girls until you do.
  3. Blurt everything out like an idiot : Keeping it bottled up is tough, especially if this person is in your head 24×265 (I’m asleep for the remaining 100). So inevitably you will blurt it out. How you blurt it out matters :

Wrong.

Right.

Anyway, I was (as you may have guessed) the first image. I got shot down. I crashed, burned, then became ash. That ash was blown away by a fart from Digvijay Singh and went and fell on a public urinal in Mumbai. That urinal alone was removed, put on a rocket, sent to the moon, and the moon was destroyed by a nuke.

In other words : I got shot down bad.

And you know what, I wouldn’t feel so bad if this was my fault alone. You know, me blabbering out brontosaurus shit. I felt she was giving mixed signals. She never overwhelmingly talked about liking any other guy, neither did she say she wasn’t interested in a relationship at all, nor did she say she was too busy preparing for her Nobel Prize in Economics so she did not give a fuck about anything else.

She came to me and spoke sometimes, I caught her staring at me so many times ( I have eyes on the back of my head) and yet when I blurted it out, I was rejected.

My face is frozen like this even now.

Well too bad X, I’m awesome now and I have no time for you. I’ll just keep waiting until your organic antithesis arrives and ends you, giving me the satisfaction of retribution.

Also X, you’re my WAINGAFAT.

This is the problem with real life girls : They’re just too…picky and catty. Can’t they just suck it up and say yes to a normal, decent and devoted guy instead of waiting for that Mr.Prince Platinum $$ Abs Charming to come along? Odds are, zero girls marry the guy they truly desire anyway.

If that were the case, Brad Pitt and Neil Patrick Harris would have all the women in the world and mankind as we know it would cease to exist.

It’s also a scientific fact that women should marry guys uglier than them anyway (#3 on the list), so what is your problem ladies? Ya’ll accuse guys of using-and-throwing but you do the same thing !

GODDAMNIT IF I HYPERVENTILATE NOW I WILL EXPLODE AND IT WILL RAIN PURE SOLID AWESOME IN INDIA.

Whatever. From now on, I wait. I’m cool. I’ll just walk away now before I break my keyboard.

Pictured : Walking away like a badass.

Posted on June 28, 2011, in Just For Laughs. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. dude u need some serious help!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Whoa ! Too awesome an article!

  3. wow…how intensely personal ..

  4. Pwahahah! You should definitely write a book… “NOT IN THE COMPANY OF WOMEN “:P

  5. Hahahahahahahaha i empathize with you my friend! 😀

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