4 Levels of PURE RAGE

If you’re some psychologist reading this, you may say rage is not quantifiable, since its an emotion. That’s all true, but there are undoubtedly degrees of rage. Reacting differently to the following situations either makes you insane/a Hulk in the making (if you completely flip out), or Mahatma Gandhi 2.0 (if you don’t flip out). For example :

The Umbrella Jinx

This has happened to me approximately 27432 times. It usually goes like this :

1. It’s monsoon. I prepare to leave for college. I notice its cloudy outside, so I take my umbrella, my windsheeter (who knows for what) and wear sandals.

2. It rains. Then it becomes sunny. And humid. To the point where I’m willing to be killed just to be dumped into an ice box.

3. Next day. It’s cloudy. I skip the whole umbrella routine. I wear shoes and remove my cellphones from their plastic covers because they don’t look cool in them.

4. It rains and never stops. There is waterlogging and flooding. Army boats rescue you 3 days later, but not before your BMI drops to 16 and you are classified as “malnourished”.

This is such a typically regular and horrible situation in this stupid hellhole Mumbai, where the monsoon seems to have failed in the same way a drunk man fails his TOEFL speaking test.

Don’t get me wrong : the monsoons haven’t actually failed in India (its 8% above normal). ONLY in Mumbai have they totally seemed to have failed. It poured for 4-5 days and we got excess rain in the first half of June. Then it has been so sunny and beautiful humid and fucked up that I’m wondering why God is angry with Mumbai.

It’s like the clouds come, see Mumbai and think “euu, lets go and take a dump elsewhere” and go and pour in Navi Mumbai, 1 hour away from Mumbai. It’s raining everywhere except here.

If this shit goes on, then I have to schedule my bodily functions and ablutions (loo time) from 6-8 am for the inevitable water cut that’ll be imposed on the common pathetic citizens and I don’t want to.

RAGE LEVEL (out of a maximum 5) :

Murphy’s Stupid Fuckedup Bus Laws.

Murphy was a wise man who said “anything that can go wrong, will”. That is true. If, for example, your cellphone CAN crash, then it will. Not now, but eventually, it will.

I can extend this to buses. For example :

1. You wait for 10 minutes. The bus you’re waiting for doesn’t turn up. Then one does and its crowded. But you get on anyway. You then see an empty bus in the same route overtaking you.

2. It’s hot. And the hotter it is, the more chance of the bus being crowded with the whole population of whatever city you’re in.

3. I’ts hot. And hotter it is, the more chance you won’t see your bus, leading to dehydration followed by sunstroke followed by buying Ponds Active fairness cream.

4. The further away you’re from the bus, the faster it goes away from you. It’s like the driver hates you. But this is true ONLY if it’s the route you want to board, not any other route. Those keep coming at you left, right and center.

5. The bus you want always appears coming in the opposite direction AT you.

RAGE LEVEL (out of a maximum 5) :

The FML Purgatory

Sometimes, it actually does rain. Then the weather becomes all pleasant and that evolves into comfy and that evolves into cozy.

So inevitably, when it becomes cozy, you’ll not want to do anything at all, correct? I’m asking this assuming you are normal human beings, not stupid studious geeks who think two hours of sleep is a waste of 120 minutes.

Whatever your response to that was, I know I’d like to stay snuggled up in bed and just sleep. But I can’t – I have college. I have to drag my lumbering 78 kg weight out of that soft soft bed into the bathroom. The hot water doesn’t help either, it is soothing in a very astonishing way.

I then go to college (only because those bastards in my head called conscience and common sense compel me to), notice the lack/absence of people and curse my life.

This is even worse if you have to stay awake and study for an exam. It is likely that your college (or school, if it was like mine) won’t cancel classes because of unimportant happenings like 48 cm rain in 24 hours (true story).

Even if they do, they’ll compensate in the 14 days that is the Indian winter, when it’s way more pleasurable to sleep, because that’s the only way they can show the metaphorical finger to a bunch of disgruntled students.

Therefore, RAGE LEVEL for this is (out of a maximum 5) :

The Indian Summer Fuckups.

Alternatively, summer can make you tear your hair out too (if it doesn’t fall out on its own).

What could be worse than 40’C outside? I mean, what could possibly be worse than getting dehydrated after walking for 10 minutes? What could be even worse than all the horrible B.O?

Well there is something worse : all that inside your home.

Imagine going out on a hot day. You roam around, you’re drenched in your own sweat and you smell like wet socks and the feet they cover. You then go home, preparing to sit naked in front of the AC till your body says “aaaah” and you fall asleep due to the exhaustion and the relief.

But before you can do that, the power goes. Now, you’re drenched in your own sweat, smell like wet socks and the feet they cover AND extremely angry.

I’m sure all of you can relate. If you can’t, you’re not and have never been in India. Have fun in the Arctic while it lasts sucker!



Posted on July 2, 2011, in Lists. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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