Radha completed the hundredth circle walking around her room in anticipation that she thought she’d pass out any minute due to the dizziness but then figured her nervousness would keep her going anyway. Her mind chose that precise moment to remind her about so many other million things that were irrelevant. It drove her mad. For her, all her life, she had sworn by dharma and honesty and doing the right things. She was obsessed and very particular about doing the right things only. So it came as a surprise to her when she found herself pondering over this particularly tough subject.
Making wise and very careful decisions was radha’s area of expertise. She was well known widely among her social and friends circle for her gifted ability to always make the right decisions. Never once had she gone wrong. But this time, it seemed like otherwise. For the first time, she was completely lost. She dint know what to do, where to even start analyzing. She was never a person of impulse decisions but last week was her first when she very shyly, cautiously and timidly whispered a tiny ‘yes’ and ran away without looking back. She totally blamed it on her curiosity and refused to own up for it. And her bloody conscience was no where to be seen. The traitor.
And then later, when the impulse decision belatedly sunk in, she freaked out. All of her guts and confidence seemed to’ve waned out now leaving behind a scared, shy and skeptical girl. She trembled in fear. She felt sick. She couldn’t find the courage to retrace her steps and say no. She was truly lost and felt close to tears. She’d forgotten where the courage had come from. Over the past week, she sought opinions discreetly from some people who had different views that helped her mind oscillate from regretting and feeling okay with the decision. Finally she got fed up and stopped taking the opinions seriously. But the image of “wrong doing” refused to budge from her mind. Her heart was nowhere to be heard too. Being brought up in a staunch traditional and orthodox tamil family ideals and “naagarigams” dint help either. Given her young age, she most definitely did not want to make mistakes. Atleast not this big. She cursed herself for the umpteenth time that day.
It seemed she was divided into 2 parts- part of her wanted to go ahead with the whole thing and get it over with while the other part wanted her to drop it, runaway, dig a hole and hide in it. Her mind seemed to make decisions of its own every minute one side consenting and the other resenting. She could of course never breathe a word about this to her friends for fear of rejection, what they’d think of her and, simply their reactions. She kept reassuring herself that her damn curiosity was to be blamed for being in this situation now. She looked at the clock. One minute it seemed to fly and the next minute it seemed to just stay in that one damned place. She grabbed her canteen to throw at it but decided against it at the last minute. And her skepticism increased by the minute.
In an attempt to feel a wee bit better, she had done a brief research on the topic; how it goes, precautions, repercussions, aftermath, consequences and it just made her feel worse than ever. The prospect of wanting more after the first time made her gasp loudly in shock and genuinely scared her. As for the others, she reckoned she’ll faint any minute. She decided that she desperately needed professional help. An insane option nevertheless. Her palms were sweaty and she trembled in fear and excitement at the same time. The wretched hour would arrive any minute and her door bell would go off any minute too. She sat down exhausted. Suddenly remembering a story she read in the paper some time back, she froze. Perfect timing, she mused. And decided that she must put a stop to this insanity. She started towards her phone and picked it up to dial the number when the door bell went off at that precise moment and she dropped her phone hearing it.
She sighed and went to get the door, opened it cautiously and looked into two of the gorgeous and beautiful eyes she’d ever seen. It was Him. She flung her arms around him and hugged him tightly refusing to let go for 5 minutes. She was so relieved to see him! Upon seeing his ever gorgeous face, her skepticism ran away and suddenly she was ready. She knew what to do. She thanked her conscience for safely and cleverly staying away. Lord knows what’d have happened if her conscience decided to pop up.
‘Hi’ he said nervously brushing a strand of hair away from her face. Thank god he was nervous too! ‘Hiya back’ she whispered and closed the door behind him and led the way to her room.
‘You sure you wanna do this pumpkin?’ he asked her. ‘Cos you know am not gonna do anything to hurt you or against your wish right?’ he asked her gently. Her heart thumped furiously at that as she smiled and replied ‘yeah, I know you do and I am sure I wanna do this’ she said, confidently.
‘Alright then’ he said.
While they undressed, she realized that it would’ve been a very bad idea to’ve said ‘No’ for Doing It.