I Dont Know.

This is getting outta hand, she decided. And pathetic. Pathetic feeling, she convinced herself. Damn. So shameful. Why did this have to happen? How the heck did this happen? She couldn’t believe this was happening to her. A completely new feeling that utterly devastated her inner peace. One of a kind.

“Anubhavam pudhumai, avanidam kandean….annaalil illadha pollaadha ennangalae…….”

(I found a brand new feeling in him; thoughts I daren’t think are playing in my head now)

Hearing that she turned in horror and switched off the radio that played her all time favourite song. Only this time, it voiced all of her damn thoughts! She had no idea how that was possible. A song voicing her thoughts. Situation song, she thought ruefully. Ah. From where all of these thoughts came, she had no idea. Or maybe it was a certain someone…….sigh. Him of course. The most……sweetest guy she had ever come across. She wanted to bang her head somewhere. Somehow she doubted if even banging her head would empty all thoughts of him.

She was on her way home one day returning from college when she stumbled upon her senior who stopped, turned, smiled ever so sweetly at her (with eyes lit up i.e.) and offered her a ride home. He was sweet, polite and extremely gentle. He seemed to know how to treat a young woman. Funny how she had never noticed all the other guys who were previously sweet to her all her life. When she looked into his eyes, she lost all her senses. And ever since, she couldn’t get him outta her head. She couldn’t understand though. He was only being sweet to her. The same way he is to every other person he probably meets. Since when did she start swooning over guys who are simply sweet to her? So what was the big deal if someone was sweet to her? Does it make that big a difference? Apparently to her, this one guy made a huge, huge difference. She couldn’t figure out why.

You suck, she told herself.

It was a lovely, beautiful feeling. She absolutely loved it. Yet it scared her. She couldn’t even begin to describe it and thoroughly enjoyed it but was scared at the same time about the uncanny arousal of all the dead feelings inside of her. The thoughts just spread from one to another making her blush beet red and bite her tongue to stop herself from getting carried away. Carried away was the word. It seemed like she became this different person overnight altogether. And found the changes very hard to cope with. The thoughts became worse with each passing day.

He always interrupted her thoughts and she ended up confusing everyone and everything. Yesterday, she walked into her school ‘stead of going to college. To say it was embarrassing is to say the least. She shook her head to try to clear all thoughts of him. When it did clear, which was for a minute or so, she immediately wanted it back. It just became more confusing. One minute she dint want her thoughts centered around him and when it actually ceased, she wanted to think about him anyway, again. Weird. Her upbringing made things tough for her. Her damned culture spoke of these things as shameful and embarrassing to oneself. She dint know what to feel- bad that she’s attracted to a guy or relish the feeling. Control the feeling or embrace it. That one in a million feeling. She couldn’t admit the fact that she enjoyed the feeling. Instead she wanted to dig a hole and hide.

She kept repeating in her head, “omg he’s so sweet. He is so sweet. Sigh”. There was no conscience to kick her to get her back to her right mind. She wondered where it was. How could she feel so pathetically strong for someone just because he’s sweet to her? How? How the heck is it even possible? At times it disgusted her to think she was so……

She dint want to say it. She could only wish he’d be interested in her the way she is about him. And wanted to slap herself the next minute for having thought that. Looked like however decent the guy looked, she’d spoil him herself. She wanted to do things…..to him. Things that she had never, never thought of before. Scared her more.

There were no heart beats, no heart racing, no dramatic awesomeness this time. Just that aloofness and wow feeling that he was…..sweet to her. Every gesture and conversation of his looked to her like they were because he is interested in her. Or she imagined he would somehow be interested in her. She hoped he would be. Cos all she could do was hope…..

She dint know she’ll fall in love with the next guy who was simply sweet to her……

Upon seeing him again, with that bright, lit up eyes he smiled at her, her everything crumbled to pieces. Heaven help me; she prayed.

Posted on August 9, 2011, in Stories. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. sunandini padmanabhan

    sounds like ISABELLA SWAN …..:)

  2. 🙂 thanks a ton Abi! 🙂 the feeling….i so know 😉

  3. ahh.. thanks for bringing back memories of how it was to be in love… and one-sided.. I get u girl.. I’ve been there too! Still am 😉

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