How To Not Hulk Out

I just got off a shouting match with a rickshaw driver. These auto guys are just insane. They always drive like the fundamentally retarded maniacs that they are. To them, the concept of “deceleration and braking” doesn’t exist. They just don’t stop, not unless they run into a wall. Or someone.

Like me.

So there I was, walking along, doing my “I’m awesomely cool yo” thing on the road, listening to some Crookers when I felt this pain on my ankle. That pain translated into fury when I realized “it” was the front wheel of an auto.

I lost even more control of my senses when I realized the autodriver was actually talking to me with a wide open mouth and big frown on his face. Note that since I had my headphones on, I couldn’t really hear what he was saying. I just knew he was angry with me. Let’s call this guy “Herpingderp”.

And he looked like this

I proceeded to remove my headphones and blast herpingderp with all the insults I could remember/makeup (“ILL GO BACK IN TIME AND THROW YOU IN THE ATACAMA YOU NEURONLESS EARTHWORM“). Clearly, to save you the trouble of reading many unthinkable expletives, I’ll boil this down to the very simplistic and primitive way my brain understood things :

1) Me, innocent, walking, innocently.

2) Herpingderp runs over leg, appears to be angry with me.

3) Pain in leg.

4) Herpingderp is angry with me after running over my leg?

5) WHAT?!?! WTF?! BRING IT YOU STUPID PIGEON-BRAINED SLUG.

And the world’s most epic argument for the following five minutes ensued. Since I have a very poor understanding of Hindi (spoken fast) and an almost nil comprehensive abilities of any other language (just plainly spoken), I understood nothing that herpingderp said.

Since I retaliated with a wild gesticulation of fingers and choice English cuss words, he did not understand me either. We knew we were angry with each other and we knew we wanted to mutually throw each other into the Sun.

I then walked limped off, feeling like a boss while he drove away, still yelling out, feeling…like another boss.

So what was the end result?

1) I felt like a boss.

2) I wanted to punch that stupid ugly building next to me and destroy it.

3) I think I might have hypertension.

4) No one won or lost. Both of us looked like fools.

Today Mr.T hates us.

Really, the speed at which I lost my temper totally freaked me out. Like, I kicked a tiny pebble so hard it actually hit something (those of you who know me will know how pathetic my aim really is). I just wanted someone to challenge me after I walked away. I was like “YOU THINK YOU GREAT? TRY ME SUCKA”.

That’s dangerous; I don’t know what happened to me then. You may think it’s trivial, but anger has horrible consequences. As a direct result I could have been beaten up by these insane people in Mumbai, or I could have gotten a spontaneous heart attack and died.

So to save the part of humanity that is worse in being pathetic about this whole anger thing than me, I bring to you “Anonymous Blogger’s Instruction Manual On How To Stay Cool – ABIMOHTSC”

Step 1. Are you getting ANGRY for the right reasons?

If you get angry for something like what happened to me, it’s better you just strip yourself naked and do whatever because you will look like a fool anyway. On the other hand, if someone pushes your 5 year old daughter and laughs, you have permission to go batshit crazy. Like, Joker-level insane.

Step 2. But can you settle this in a civil, gentlemanly manner?

No? Proceed to step 3. If you answered yes to this, then you’re the worlds biggest, most pathetic and useless lying snail. Or you’re Mahatma Gandhiji.

Step 3. ANGER

Can you control what you do when you’re angry? No, I don’t mean taking that useless cat and throwing it on his leg instead of his stomach.

I mean : how about listening to that tiny tiny tiny voice in the back of your head that says “Walk away”? If you can, then do it. That takes us to step 4.

Step 4. Post-ANGER

Can you calm yourself down by using sheer willpower? If so, Buddhist Monks all over the world want you to be their master. Otherwise, here are my tips :

1) Watch a video of puppies or cats or other tiny wee little animals on youtube. Seriously, do it. If you don’t cool down after that, then WHY ARE YOU HERE, ALIEN FROM ANDROMADA? GO BACK. Try this :

2) Do you have pillows? Yes, those things that allow your brain, skull and hair to rest on them. Punch them.

3) Eat chocolate.

4) Go and poop. You see, pooping involves significant brain work. If your brain focuses on pooping and not being angry, then you poop and also cool down. If anything can be compared to hitting two birds with one stone, this is it.

5) Lie down. If you lie down, and force yourself to stay in that position, you just calm down. I don’t know why.

There are plenty of other things you can do to become calm after losing your temper, but I can’t possibly list them all out here. Why don’t you mention them in the comments? I don’t charge you for commenting do I? (Editor : What a great idea sirji)

Step 5. What not to do

Whatever the hell you do, don’t

1) Keep thinking about it, thereby making your brain process whatevers made you mad all over again, making you more mad, thereby making you a large green man who jumps over buildings and throws tanks.

2) Become physical. You could wind up in jail, or worse, end up beaten up.

Or be laughed at.

3) Take revenge. Revenge is a concept unique to humans. It should not be so. The moment you start nursing a completely demolished ego, you have set the balls rolling for a greater showdown in the future. It’s just not worth it, so let it go.

4) Be passive. Being passive is honestly the worst thing a man can do in todays torrid and pathetic “dog eat dog, and man eat man, rat, fish and scorpion” world. You must react. Properly demonstrating your “reaction” is all that matters. If you bring an AK-47 to a chess game, you’ve lost. Similarly, if you bring a broom to a war, you’re dead. That’s where the concept of “controlled anger” comes from.

Step 6. Smile at yourself for being so stupid

This inevitably happens. If you did something which you don’t regret, odds are you will laugh at yourself in private embarrassment when your brain suddenly recalls everything later.

I’ll conclude abruptly here.

The thing about anger is, it makes you feel good. It’s a weird headrush thing and when you’re angry, you’re body is on GO. Also, when you’re angry, you’re brain is paused. You don’t think, you just do. Sometimes, or more often than not, this can have unfavorable consequences. That ends my uncalled-for random sermon-seminar on what to do about this whole bullshit about anger.

Posted on August 31, 2011, in Personal Musings. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. HAHA !…SOO Truee…These Auto guys…But sarcasm really workks…but then..like you said, controlling anger really helps….all I can do is make a pun at him,the others around laugh..and i Walk of Feelin like a Boss…still no consolation there’s a bump on me,or my vehicle..

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