#1 Your Daily Dose Of

National News Roundup

Citizens of the nation were left shocked by the Wikileaks mega-bat-shit-crazy release of secret diplomatic cables that happened last week. Many of these cables concerned India, but some were particularly stunning even to the most cynical Indian person.

YDDO contacted one Mr.Roopak Jhoota, who is a headmaster of a school somewhere, to ask him for his comments on the same. “I was very istunned when they said Pranab was acting PM when Manmohanji was sick. Isn’t iSoniaji the acting PM all the time? This politics yaar, it confuses me always.”

His view was supported by a large number of people, particularly those who claimed they had “no interest” in politics whatsoever. There were also a number of people asking if Sonia Gandhi had retired, and when Rahul Gandhi, the youth icon of the year 1988 2011, would become Prime Minister.

“He is very charming and cute, with dimples like that, he will charm everyone. He will take India far ahead, wait and see.”, claimed one young bubbly girl named Bhukkadni Bhayankar.

Just to keep the conversation going, this reporter pointed out that Rahul Gandhi hardly ever opens his mouth in Parliament when he decides to attend.

B. Bhayankar retorted swiftly, “Don’t you know silence is golden? Are you RSS? You are American CIA agent with ISI trying to destroy Indian democracy no? Don’t talk about Rahul baba like that re, tu abhi yahan se nikal.” She then proceeded to call her very large cousins, at which point the reporter saw it fit to flee.

On the other hand, few were surprised with the disclosures made by Wikileaks on Mayawati.

“I know, I had to carry her Rs.1000 note garland once, it was so heavy. How does she wear it? Ye aadmi pagal hhe kya?”, claimed on man, while another said, “I was on that empty plane that was sent to carry her footwear. My shoe size matches hers, so they sent me with the plane.”

We prodded him further, asking him how he found the trip and what plane it was. He took out his iPhone, (“given to me by Behenji herself”, he said) and showed me the picture of the alleged aircraft :

Her Airbus Beluga, seen here ejecting/discarding another plane, to accomodate her shoes.

We asked him how the trip was, : “There were no seats so I had to stand, like I do on my village tractor. This plane moves so fast na, so I fell down and was knocked out.  I don’t remember anything.”

Meanwhile Mayawati herself condemned the Wikileaks expose, calling Wikileaks head Julian Assange a mental. Seizing the chance to fly abroad “to do our work”, YDDO went to London, where Mr.Assange is under house arrest, to ask him about this damning statement made by a “future PM of India”.

Reporter : Have you heard Ms.Mayawatis statements that you are “mental”?

Assange : Who, the woman who builds statues of herself and elephants across an area the size of this country?

Reporter : Her.

Assange : I reiterate that I do not write these things myself. How jobless do you think I am?

Reporter : Clearly you have other things to keep you occupied during house arrest, then?

Assange : Of course ! This is what the American diplomats say to each other over bowls of Big Mac, venticappucinos and apple pie.

Reporter : She also said “you are playing into the hands of the opposition”.

Assange : I have enough opposition, why will I go searching for more trouble? I swear, this woman doesn’t understand technology.

Reporter : Thank you for your time sir. Goodbye.

Assange : Smuggle me out PLEASE ILL DIE SMUGGLE ME OUT !

Reporter : No. Thank you sir. Goodbye.

In other news, people all had a good laugh over Sharad Pawar’s declaration that he owned assets worth 12 crore.

For example, Bhishen Singh Kumar, an “immigrant” in Mumbai, laughed and said “12 crore what, sirji? People? Dollars?”, to the uproarious laughter of his friends. I asked him to explain, to which he said, “Jai Maharashtra” and walked away.

Sports and Weather Roundup

Weather

In true Indian climatic fashion, the monsoon now covers most of India, including Maharashtra and it’s capital, Mumbai. However, after last weeks dramatic 29 cm (11 inches) rain which crippled normal life across the city, the monsoon seems completely undecided on what to do.

“It’s like the clouds are just fucking around with us now, really”, exclaimed one sweaty youngster who did not wish to be identified.

There may/should/will/might/better be intermittent showers which will last for exactly 40 seconds in duration. These showers will be extremely heavy and accompanied by gusts of wind that will blow your car away if it weighs less than 40 gm.

Then precisely after 40 seconds, the showers will stop, leading to bright sunshine for about five minutes, after which the process will definitely repeat itself again. I’m so confident about this happening because the Mumbai Met Department has said nothing on this whole issue yet.

Because of this, humidity will be unbearable and therefore, it is not recommended to be outside anything short of an AC room, unless you have a very high tolerance for heat, humidity, traffic, dust, noise, filth and people.

Mumbai recorded various maximum temperatures in different locations, and we averaged that to be “VERY FUCKING HOT” with a humidity of “UNBEARABLE” and visibility of “BLIND AS A FUCKING TOOTH”.

Sports

The F1 race to be held somewhere near/in/on/under/above/far away from Delhi is attempting to reach a crescendo and a fever pitch that no other sport in India can (except cricket and international football). As a responsible journalist, I am estimating the race will be held sometime in the 3 months in the Southern Part of the continent of Asia.

Arsenal went berserk after the epic and royal raping they received at the hands of Manchester United and have bought upto 2 million players, some as young as 3, to be part of their team for the next 100 years till the next proper transfer happens. Other football news is uninteresting (Argentina won 1-0. Wow) and therefore I will not report them.

India nearly won the match vs the English, but the rain gods stepped in the way of a well deserved victory. India, world champions of 50 over cricket and also ranked #3 (which makes no sense to anyone but the ICC), batted well, with Parthiv Patel (yes, that tiny guy) falling just 5 short of a century.

After what happened in the Tests, this victory would have been necessary.

In other news, Team India have increased their roster to 29 after Sachin Tendehar Tendukar withdrew due to an injury. He joins the list that includes Sehwag, Gambhir, Zaheer Khan, Rohit Sharma and Ishant Sharma.

That will be all for this edition of the NEWS.

Posted on September 6, 2011, in Anti-News. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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