Let me start off bluntly : Facebook is the world’s most popular social networking site.
But it was not always this way. Before the Age of Facebook, I remember the good old days when I used to be scrapping people on Orkut and wasting all my time. “What the glorious gunk is Orkut”, you ask. Well, you ignorant North Korean, Orkut was another social networking site started by some Turkish guy who named it after himself. Google then bought it…and since we all know how Google is with social networking…
(Incase you don’t get that image, it means Google sucks when it comes to social networking)
…it died. So I moved to Facebook. Infact, that’s what killed it – the huge migration of people from Orkut to Facebook.
Facebook is (was?) so good, it effectively destroyed all its rivals – MySpace and somethings called Bebo, Orkut and Hi5. It has 700 million members. If it were a country, it would be 3rd highest in population, behind India and China. So it’s that good.
I don’t have any problems with any of that. No, scratch that. I do have problems. Facebook, if any of your employees somehow read this, here’s a message :
Don’t keep changing the goddamned UI. Don’t. We liked Facebook better when it was simpler, not when its cluttered and like the insides of China. Now its just messed up.
But that’s another topic for another day : How much Facebook sucks and how much I want face-to-face interaction to be the next big thing. Today, however, I’m going to talk about something that Facebook, or specifically its users, are missing.
Dear Facebook user, thou shalt not …
1. ..Post shit that no one wants to see. Like this :
Ok so that’s not only it. It’s not just the gross stuff you should avoid talking about. It’s everything. You should remember that people will read this whether you want them to or not, so it’s better you don’t bitch about your ex or your boss live on Facebook to an audience. It’s also better you don’t fight publicly because that’s just stupid. If you do want to vent your feelings on Facebook, be my guest and use your Messages feature. Include how many ever people you want in that and blabber away!
Just don’t do it, like you know, on your wall.
2. ..Troll hard on comments and irritate people. Like this :
Trolling is the art of acting like an absolute jerk for whatever reason. It could be to grab attention. It could be just to annoy. It could be because of anything, but if you do stuff that annoys people, then you’re a troll.
So it’s not really smart if you just went apeshit and decided to comment “lol” on every single status update that you see. That’s not funny, that’s annoying and therefore you are a troll.
If you’re a troll, remember this golden rule : Don’t say shit that you won’t say to that person in real life.
3. ..Troll hard on comments/statuses/pictures of people you don’t know personally. Like this :
That shit is stupid and if you do this, you will find yourself deleted from all friends lists on all social networks in no time. If some guy in my list says “I’m drinking my ass off tonight”, I have no right to say “Dont drink, itll ruin your liver you idiot” to him if I don’t know him personally. It’s none of my business.
So what I essentially mean is : Don’t poke your stupidly long nose where it shouldn’t be poked.
4. ..Add people you don’t even know.
I’ve already covered this here, but that was just a joke. Adding people you don’t know is creepy and annoying. No, Facebook is not a forum to make new friends. Facebook is where you link up with people you already know and share things with them. You don’t go around adding unknown people because :
- Then after a certain number of addings without being accepted/rejected, you can’t add anyone anymore.
- That means you’re no different from computer-generated annoyances on the Internet, otherwise popularly known as spam. Only, you’re human. And therefore much more pathetic and useless.
Again, Facebook is not a forum where you make new friends. Apparently this is lost on some guys, who just send requests right left and center to girls whose display images are extremely awesome. And not just girls.
I know because I created a fake profile on Facebook called Max Fightmaster Junior and even that got requests from 3 guys from Delhi University. I mean, seriously, what the hell?
And once I removed the “Add friend option” from my page by tweaking the privacy settings, they sent me inbox messages. Now they can’t do either. That profile is there exclusively for me to
troll with utilize properly, so I don’t want any friends or anything.
So you cheap Orkutiya bastards, if you’re on Facebook, don’t do your Orkut nonsense here. It annoys people, really.
5. ..Add embarrassing pictures/videos of anyone/yourself :
There’s a certain humor quotient in that and you must not cross the line. There’s a fine difference between a picture of you sitting under a horse for fun (funny) and lying butt naked and knocked out with 3 pigs in a pig sty with a flag that says “Nazis ftw” (not funny).
6. ..Tag people in embarrassing pictures of them : (see above)
I don’t think I need to explain this. If you do have ridiculously offensive pictures of your friends antics, delete them/return them but do not upload them.
Once you’ve uploaded them, that’s it. It’s always there online and will never be taken down even if you manage to delete your account. Seriously, go Google it. Facebook never deletes your images.
7. ..Post spam links
Everyone knows the horror of spam. For example, a link your friend posted may take you to a site where you are asked to play a game. Then as you’re playing it, a scary face appears on the screen with loud creepy music. You have now shit your pants.
Or it might play some very disturbing and gross videos whose names I simply cannot mention here.
Let me just let you know that the internet is a dark, dark place full of sick, twisted bastards who will want to ruin your everything, forever. Seriously. I haven’t yet seen those videos simply because I was already pre-informed about how gross they were and all that, and I don’t want to challenge your pathetic little egos by entering their names here. I’m protecting you (you’re welcome) and others from you (you’re also welcome).
Or this :
You clicked on that link, right? This was all the rage in May, with my wall full of people who said “OMG I JUST WON A FREE IPAD” because they were stupid enough to click on the link of someone else WHO HAD WON A FREE IPAD (and posted on their wall about it) and so on.
It’s fake. Nothing is free. Especially on the internet. I’m surprised Facebook is letting us use it for free, but look at all the money they generate via advertizing and tie-ups. That’s simply the only reason they don’t charge us yet : because they don’t need to.
Get that into your heads. If any link says anything is free or anything along those lines, don’t click on it. If you did, get an anti-spyware app and clean your computer. It doesn’t matter how genuine these links look.
Or do what I do : just Google it. For example, if a link says “McAloo tikki contains DDT OMG people died”, Google that shit up. If Google doesn’t turn up any positive results from established media (not blogs like this), then screw that crap. It’s spam.
8. Spread chain mail
If you read this, you will be kissed on the nearest Friday. If you don’t, you will be unlucky in love forever. Post this on all walls of your friends to be kissed by the one you love. Otherwise you will be unlucky in love! Do it :
Marsha of Kentucky did this and is now married to her crush. But Jason of Long Island avoided it and is now paying the price with a divorce.
That shit is so ridiculous that I don’t even know where to start. This is there and has been ever since Internet became “a thing” and not “something geeks have”. It was there on Yahoo Messenger, it was there on Orkut, it was there on Yahoo Mail, and its thankfully not there on Gmail. Yet. For me atleast.
While it’s good that now people are more aware of chain mails like THAT or the ones that say you’ll die, it doesn’t help that now :
ITS CONFIRMED FACEBOOK IS GOING TO START CHARGING USERS TO USE FACEBOOK. THIS STORY WAS CONFIRMED BY MEDIA OUTLETS AS WELL. POST THIS LINK ON YOUR WALL AS YOUR STATUS AND FACEBOOK WILL NOT CHARGE YOU. OTHERWISE YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED.
Oh my! That sounds so ominous. Media outlets have confirmed it? HOLY SHIT it must be true. Is Facebook seriously going to charge us? Is this the only way to have our free account forever?
I certainly don’t want my account to be deleted..if only there was a way of knowing if this is true or not.
9. ..Link your account to all possible websites.
If you do that, you just end up posting the shit you do on other websites, right on your Facebook wall.
It’s also unnecessary because then it becomes incredibly difficult to motivate anyone to delete their accounts, but thats another issue.
10. ..Spend too much time on it.
All this boils down to just how much time you spend on Facebook. If you spend all your time on it, you’ll occupy and dominate all the news on the news feed with your comments and your likes and your posts and your uploads and all that.
While its probably none of my business, here’s advice : don’t spend too much time on Facebook because it just doesn’t look good and isn’t good. Go meet real people by getting out of your windowless room that’s 10 km underground (I know you’re there). Facebook is what you do when you can’t meet those people that you now call your “Facebook Friends”.
Not the other way around.
Dear Facebook user, thou shalt …
1. ..Obey all that
2. ..Add some of your own (in the comments)
Because naturally I couldn’t have possibly covered everything.