I’ve made quite a few posts about Indian roads before. I like talking about Indian roads. It’s just exciting to be so close to death the moment you step out of your house. I’m sure no other country can boast of such a continuous adrenaline rush for its citizens 24 x 7 x 54. No really, it’s just such a headrush to walk outside your house and be nearly run over by a lorry, but jump out of the way Matrix style.
But today, however, I decided walking was for pussies and wimps. I refused to be the soft, squishy target that vehicles seemed to enjoy. So I got on an auto and decided to take it from there. Take what from where? I don’t know. That’s just a cool phrase, so I used it there.
Anyway, as I boarded the nimble 3 wheeler, I prepared myself for the ride of my life. And oh boy, did I ever get that. Immediately the auto-driver found a traffic jam to drive into. Cuss words flowed out of his mouth like trash flows on the Mithi in Mumbai. He refused to take his hand off the horn. He also refused to brake. He found a gap between a bus and a garbage truck and decided to snake his way into that.
I wouldn’t have had problems with him sneaking into any gap, but the problem I had was that he was doing all this sneaking around with his auto. Also, I was in that auto. Those were scary times indeed (ED : Wasn’t that five hours ago?)
Despite all this chaos and real-live-life-Brownian motion around me, I had a kind of an epiphany. I instantly decoded and deduced the different types of Indian drivers most commonly seen. For example :
The Decibelans are the noisy bastards of Indian roads. They drive more with their horn than with an accelerator. In fact, their only solution to anything is honking the batteries off their car. This is probably how they think :
1. What is going on? Why aren’t these idiots moving? I HAVE TO GET HOME, TRAFFIC JAM OR NOT. HONK!
2. If this old woman thinks she can just stand there and occupy an entire lane, and not move, shes wrong. HONKY HONK!
3. Has the signal just changed…and those GODDAMN FIVE CARS ARENT MOVING YET? HONKHONKITY HONKY HONK!
My advice to these idiots (if you’re one of them, then you as well) would be to just be patient and not make
ANYONE EVERYONE tone deaf. Yes, we can hear you honking, and no, we can’t move because the car in front of us isn’t moving.
And no, we can’t just go through/above/under cars to give you way, your Highness. If you honk one more time, I will punch your car back in time to the 1600s.
So there you are, happy and satisfied about your pleasant journey down the road. It’s awesome – the road is empty except for you and this other car on your side. You begin to drift off into Utopian Road Condition Syndrome , when suddenly the other car randomly comes into your lane without any warning whatsoever.
You are broken from your ditziness, using your razor sharp reflexes to brake and slow down.
Congratulations! You have just encountered the most notorious of Indian drivers, the Migrant. This person doesn’t really give a damn about anything, be it lanes or other vehicles or even his own life. If he sees a certain gap between two cars that are 2 lanes away, he will take it GODDAMNIT because that’s what men do.
Sometimes this person, in his rush to change lanes without warning, may come and scrape your car and drive off without even the tiniest fuck being given. But oh, wait. You are mistaken if you assume this person does all these shenanigans only on the straight road. LOLMAO, bro. No.
He does this even in turnings. Free left? Sorry, this guy maybe right behind you and going straight.
Going straight? Sorry, this guy could be to your right and will take a free left. You don’t exist in his eyes. Not unless you’re a tank, in which case he’ll stop (out of curiosity) and then proceed anyway.
3. The Compensators Templar
Here’s a recently old vehicular adage – The smaller your junk, the bigger your vehicle.
I don’t know if that’s true or not as no research has as such been conducted on owners (and their junks) of Tata Nanos and Mahindra Scorpios, but I can say confidently that : Fuck you, Scorpio owner.
You know why? It’s because these guys have such big cars that they think they can run over anyone (literally and figuratively). If I’m walking on the side of the road, and I see this car accelerating at me, I shit bricks and move to the side.
And this isn’t just for pedestrians either. It applies to even smaller vehicles. You can imagine this as a type of a hierarchy that applies on roads – the bigger your vehicle, the more you expect others to give way because you’re a fucking jerk. And it happens too. Even if its on the highway and there are 2 open lanes, this guy will come right behind you and honk.
Because he’s a jerk. With tiny junk.
Basically, this is everyone with a license in India, ever.
They hate hate HATE using their brakes. They hate it. They would rather let friction slow them down than even press their clutch or brake.
And when they are forced to stop, they morph into one of the above or below – if they have a big vehicle, they use their big vehicleness to dominate other smaller vehicles. If they have a horn, they don’t take their hands off that. Or they find other, alternative lanes to drive on.
No_brakes is the most common road user in India. But why is this so? In a nutshell, this is because Indians are impatient tools that should have never been allowed to drive in the first place. Indians are also irresponsible, arrogant pricks who don’t respect other road users, be it vehicles or humans. Seemingly the only thing that gets respect on Indian roads is, unbelievably, the humble cow.
You can’t argue with this fact – It’s as true as your nose being dirty right now.
5. Public Transport.
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Buses?
Fucking idiots drive them. I used to feel sorry for the drivers, because they have to put up with the insane assholes listed before and after this PLUS more insane assholes actually in the bus itself. And on it, if it’s Bus Day.
But sometimes I feel putting up with bullshit has actually made them Prime Assholes of Indian Roads. Seriously. They drive buses so flippantly and horrifyingly that I’m surprised more buses don’t turn over and die on their side out of sheer shock everyday. Buses are also living things right?
And also autos. The worst scum of the licensed earth drive them. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the auto or out – you’ll always get irritated.
If you’re outside the auto, then just seeing those pesky little three-wheeled abominable vehicular-mosquitoes is enough to set you off on a ULTRAKILL spree in Unreal Tournament 4. They’re everywhere, the noises they make are ugly and annoying, and they’re ugly as hell to look at.
If you’re in them, then invariably you would have argued with the driver before getting in. Even if you don’t, odds are you will fight with him because he will drive like fucking Fernando Alonso. And by that, I mean he’ll drive like a total douchebag who should be thrown in an Insane Asylum.
Taxis are very similar, except that they’ve got doors to protect you from falling outside when the driver decides to perform some crazy hairbrained maneuver (who knew that was the spelling of maneuver)
I won’t get started on municipal vehicles like water lorries or fire trucks or ambulances because..it’s too hard, man.
I’ve not seen this happening too frequently happening in Chennai (must be because I lived in a forest), but it happens all the time in Mumbai. A guy cuts another guy off, they both stop and begin fighting. Sometimes, it may escalate to more than just words, such as punches or gun-shots or even worse, Digvijay Singh.
More often than not, the two warring-sides/parties walk away with bruised egos. But sometimes, it becomes worse than that – a lawsuit, death, injuries, or damage to property. And no, I’m not joking when I say this is a serious problem. Road rage is just a horrible issue that must be identified and contained by the Government because its dangerous.
So..what are you?
(I’m a pedestrian 80% of the time)