As one of the many million males that exist, I take offense when the fewer in numbers, weaker sex starts being overly sexist and makes fun of men by putting out annoying cliches.
So here, my male friends, I proudly attempt to educate you through the profoundly intimidating process of dating. And hey, don’t like, Google around or anything. This is the place for you if you are desperately in need of a girlfriend (WARNING : DONT GO THERE MAN). Here’s a lowdown on what to do :
1. Spot a girl that you are attracted to.
2. Identify her and investigate.
- Is she single?
- Is she straight?
- Is she a black belt in karate?
- Is her dad an army man with a mustache and an AK47 at home?
- What in heavens name is her name?
- Does she have large cousins who can make you “disappear”?
3. Listen to “Killing in the name of” by Rage Against the Machine. Get pumped up. Get that adrenaline going. To do so, kick a car or something, then run away. Or irritate that guy driving the bus, then run away.
4. Now go upto her and talk to her. If you must, grow balls. All 20 tonnes of them necessary to actually talk to someone you like. Don’t send your friend asking him/her for a lame intro. That is failure in the very
first fourth step.
4. Analyze your discussion – it could have lasted anywhere between 0 seconds (called crashing and burning) and 5 hours (she’s into you, bro). Now are you into her as much as you were a day back? Is she your type?
5. If yes, then keep talking to her.
6. If no, then go back to step one with a new target.
7. If you crashed and burned, don’t worry. Happens to the best of us.
1. Notice how I failed to mention chatting on Facebook or infact anywhere on the interwebs? Yeah, don’t. Face to face wins anyday.
2. You should know all the usual stuff –
- Be decent : Only rowdy girls like rowdy boys.
- Be clean : Unless you want to tell her right away you live in a pigsty, keep your inherent dirtiness secret. Girls find dirt antithetical to their existence. If you are covered in it, they will make you invisible to their eye.
- Smell good : The nose does weird stuff to our brains, so just don’t smell like pavbhaji or rotting organic trash.
- Crack jokes : Just make her laugh but don’t goof off. Laughing is necessary for the female to overlook your inevitable negative points. You must make her laugh, otherwise she will analyze you and reject you. Do you want that? Distract her. Do it.
- Don’t touch her too much : Unless you want pepper spray in your eyes/knees in your balls/palmprint on your face.
- Be approachable : The better you are and the more non-threatening you look, the more likelihood of her actually coming upto you to talk to you next time. Otherwise you have to go behind her.
- Be lookable-at : Meaning don’t look like the Trolls from Troll-2 fell on you and farted. Look good.
If you don’t know all this, stay away from girls. All of them.
3. Be subtle.
Girls play a helluva lot of mind games. Fuck, that’s how they roll. They swim in the big ocean that is subtlety and double-meaning, so you do the same. If you want her phone number, casually insert it into a sentence where she’ll notice but can’t ignore. Lawyer her into submission.
4. Be a gentleman
If you’re walking, walk on the side of the road where the vehicles go, putting her on the safe side. Open doors? Offer to pay? All that jazz. It’s chivalry, except if you’re dating a feminist. Then you’re not just dead, but you die, become a zombie, and are killed again.
A. NO dirty anything.
No digging nose, no talking about how cool it was when your dog pooped after the operation, and definitely no talking about anything even remotely related to human copulation (sex). That’s not just a turn off, she’ll tell everyone you’re a rapist.
B. Don’t boast.
Arrogant bastards make anyone sick, and if this is a girl you particularly like, I need not state the obvious. So it would be better if you did not mention “I WON THE RACE IN TENTH STANDARD HERP DERP” till you know her well. Otherwise be prepared for a life of being single and solitary.
C. Don’t gang up.
Don’t be with your gang of guy friends when you are with the apple of your eye. Then it usually becomes tougher for anyone to concentrate on the issue at hand (You trying to
marry get to know this girl). This is irrelevant of the moral support they may offer you (they mostly won’t).
D. Don’t bitch about other girls or even remotely gossip.
That’s just stupid. You’re a man. Be one.
E. Keep it simple.
Seriously. Big stories, tall tales and bigtime flirting is all the biggest possible no-no from the planet of NoNo’s from the Universe of HELLNOFOOL. Start your conversation, for example, with a smile and a “hi”. Compliment her genuinely once you know her.
DO NOT FLIRT. Don’t follow flirting tips online. Seriously, don’t. You run the risk of looking like a cheapskate.
F. Keep your eyes open.
When you’re talking to a girl you have exhibited interest in, talk only to her. With everything – body language, eyes and mouth. Do not look around. Eye contact is a total must. Otherwise it just says you’re unconfident and not-interested.
A. Her gang of friends.
Stay away from them.
B. Your gang of friends.
Keep them away from her.
C. Physiological reactions from your body.
You may panic. You may sweat. Don’t. It’s just a girl. You won’t die. Take it easy. Also for the love of God, girls can actually smell panic. Seriously they can. So DONT panic.
D. Unintelligent shit you may say/do.
Like taking her to an adult movie like “The Smurfs” is a nono. Why introduce her to communism right on the first date? Take her to a romcom and appear to “enjoy” it. That would make you #winning. Don’t please oh please don’t talk about your exes or ask her about hers. Just seriously don’t poke too much.
E. Succumbing to temptation to be fake.
You may try to look cool but girls are smart with that shit. Don’t do that. Girls pick up on that.
F. Bore her to death.
Ranting on and on about how you find the Lost Gospel of Judas interesting will kill her and everyone within earshot. Talk about something more interesting and appealing (I can’t tell you what). Figure her out and talk about stuff you think she’ll like.
G. NOT having a sense of humor and confidence
I can’t even begin to tell you how important this is. If you slip and fall infront of her, picking yourself up and walking after flashing a grin is way more impressive than parkouring your way to the supermarket. If you ooze confidence (not arrogance, confidence) and are not full of yourself, then you have floored approximately 3.5 million girls all over the world.
H. Not being cool, man.
If you open up right in the beginning, then you will fail miserably and horribly. Be enigmatic. Make them curious.
So that’s it gentlemen – its that simple.
@girlreaders : Have I missed anything?