My life.

Actually I lied in yesterdays post about not blogging due to studying. I wasn’t actually studying. Studying is for idiots and simpletons. I was on to much bigger and better, more intelligent and refined and classy and important things.

I was busy working under a Minister in the Government of India. But I don’t know what portfolio I held. Some under-secretary something something. It’s too vague.

I think this is mainly because I kept skipping meetings headed by the MP to live a nice life in Lutyens. You need to know what your job is by attending Parliamentarian-held meetings. But what the heck. I had better things to do. Lutyens is a cool area. It’s missing a couple of Pizza Huts and McDonalds though, as well as hot chicks. But I do love the security there. How can people complain about Delhi being over-crowded and horrible? Have they seen Lutyens?

Right in the middle of Delhi with a LAWN! Awesome shit.

Anyway, i realized how supercool it is when you’re surrounded by all these dudes in black overalls with guns.

ACTUAL GUNS!

It makes me feel important. My father tells me this is because I have deep-seated insecurity issues, but what does he know?

It’s like my childhood dream to have bodyguards. And when I was on the road, I got to stop traffic with my awesome car with its red-beacon lights and the numerous cars in front and behind me.

I loved looking at the faces of people whose cars I managed to stop. I felt mild discomfort at stopping ambulances, but whats stopping these rich private hospitals from buying helicopters for their patients? These hospitals are anti-poor, I tell you. Something must be done about this travesty.

Regardless, I kept traveling on the job. It was in the nature of my job. It was also extremely gratifying to go to the airport often and walk ahead of everyone in line. Haha!!! Suckers. Waiting in line is for pansies.

It’s definitely not for important people with important jobs, like me. If me and my former bros in babudom stopped our work, India would collapse into being like Pakistan or Sudan. Of course, a couple of these security fellows didn’t get that, and insisted on scanning me with one of those metal scanning things. I hulked out and demanded that those men be removed and transferred to some random village in some random state.

We have 32 states right? I guessed we could throw them in one of those states. I don’t know what happened to them afterwards.

Did I already mention here about my various trips to the United States and Japan? Yeah. I went in our Bharat ka Airline, Air India. Who said the airline is making losses?

It’s making zero losses.

I will ask him to explain how to you.

Infact, it’s making so much profit that it took me and my fellow babubros for free, in First class ! Which other airline does that? I don’t think those capitalist anti-poor Western airlines do this for their ministers.

(And if any of you want an upgrade to first class in Air India, just drop my name. It works for everyone else. You don’t need to pay or anything.)

As for US and Japan, they are really nice places, you must go too. I went under official capacity but there isn’t actually much work for me to do.

I mostly spent time looking at their marvelous roads and polite traffic. It is also nice and cool there. I hoped to spend more time in these horrible Indian summers abroad, but that is not possible now.

Their airports also have these smartass over-zealous security guys. Those TSA agents in the US again insisted on putting me through their full-body scanner and all, but I had to go through it since no one appeared to know or care who I was. That dented my ego, but it came back to normal when I went to the consulate and had those pathetic IFS guys sucking upto me.

I think they went too far when they interrogated SRK saab. It didn’t pain me to realize that SRK is more important than me. Our own SM Krishna condemned the American actions. SRK is more important than everyone who is Indian. He is more important than APJ. Abdul Kalam also. He is an ultra-mega-Indian. It’s high time the Americans realized that.

But then one of these anti-corruption problems came up and so my party’s senior most minister-jis decided to meet in Miami in the US, seeing as to how convenient that most of them were already in various American cities such as Houston and Seattle and Washington, DC.

I was flown to Miami after being given a ticket and I attended the party meeting in Miami. The ticket part of it surprised me. I assumed it was for free, since the taxpayers were paying for it. But then my friends explained to me that the ticket itself is paid for with tax-payer money. So THATS what tax-payer money does. I had no idea it could be used to inter-party meetings. That’s awesome.

As for Miami, it is a beautiful city. Why can’t Mumbai have beaches like this?

Then I came back on the national pride of our country, Air India, and I presented the reports of my job (which involved some meetings with some American road contractors, since our roads simply vanish during monsoons).

I offered to let the Americans do shoddy work at inflated prices if they would pay me non-monetary bribes.

This Anna Hazare is dangerous no, so I was scared to take and put the money in bank accounts in Mauritius. I asked them to pay for me and my dinners at various Michelin-star restaurants all over the US, seeing how none of those are in India.

They refused and the meeting ended and I walked out. Trust these Americans to not even build our roads. They have an anti-Indian vendetta ! Don’t they need the money? India is growing at 8% thanks to our Congress, not America. Those arrogant fools.

But when I came back, this demand of mine was already “leaked” to the press by some jealous dude who was my friend. An injunction was filed in the Delhi High court, to prevent my story from being published.

My lawyer friends reasoned that it was my private life and I hadn’t done anything wrong. So I was quietly forced out of my position and asked to go lead a normal life and stop name dropping till this whole thing dies down, while the Government controls those idiots in the media using the laws of the land.

Thank God for that. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the Government and even now, common people are afraid to stand up to me. It’s a whole new feeling entirely. The only people who get similar respect are those beautiful women from Bollywood and the men also. And those cricketers who get more attention sometimes.

I conclude by saying that I, for one, welcome our new Italian overlords.

Posted on April 27, 2012, in Just For Laughs. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Epic!

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