My stomach is burning..

..without any flammable and expensive material, such as petrol. Because I can’t afford petrol. And you can’t too.

Let’s get started.

The guys in UPA must be pretty damn proud of the 5 years in which India grew for the first time in it’s history. Properly. Because they’ve screwed up intolerably now, more than once on, various levels. All the good work has been undone. And yet, there doesn’t seem to be even the tiniest concern shown, let alone a vigor to get back to the 10% GDP growth days.

Artists representation of the UPA.

As expected, there’s no good news on the economic front. The rupee is becoming worthless and has lost a lot of value locally (proof : inflation) and globally (proof : poor exchange rate). The prices of petrol have literally increased to levels visible only to crackheads, pilots and astronauts from China. It’s silly really, because :

1) The common man doesn’t have any money as it is. Here, “common man” includes those who are ineligible for Government sops and ignored for pandering during election time. It excludes those who are not bothered about buying a BMW M3 after selling their Audi A4.

And now, the common man has less than no money. Think that’s not possible, economists? Come to India.

Typical Indian person.

2) Most of the petrol companies are PSUs, and I strongly suspect these PSUs are supported by the taxes we pay. Am I right?

3) The prices of petrol as such aren’t high at all. The prices are stupefyingly high because of various Nehruvian-era Central and State government taxes and duties levied on them. These duties and taxes are a major, major source of revenue for both the Centre and whatever State you’re from. Except Goa.

Because Goa simply did away with these taxes and wants to generate revenue in another way.

I’m sure this is not involved in that decision.

4) Food inflation is ridiculously high. It’s stupidly high. Now, as a direct effect of the rise in price of petrol (and inevitable rise in prices of kerosene and diesel), everything else will rise as well. Why? For starters you have a bunch of truckers bringing food from point A to point B. When they pay more to fill up their tanks, they’ll charge you more.

So basically you’re fucked if you’re the middle class in India, and India has a huge middle class that is consistently getting fucked over for rich people and poor people.

So, middle class netizen like me. What can you do to avoid this price rise in petrol? Well you have options, if you’re creative enough.

Option 1

Buy horses and other animals to travel around the place. You have the option of either sitting on the animal or simply attaching a cart to it.

Indians ARE used to the whole “money is more important than dignity” thing anyway.

Pros : Everything possible. Sell the manure. Profit.

Cons : Possible laughing stock.

Seriousness of suggestion : 44%

Option 2

Walk wherever you want. You have the option of lifting others if you’re strong enough, or getting lifted by them if you’re lazy and rich enough.

Pros : Exercise and no more heart attacks.


Seriousness of suggestion : ~53%


Option 3

Petition the Government to varying degrees to reduce the import duties on hybrid vehicles (again duties? seriously, Government?).

Incase you weren’t interested, let me bore you with an unimportant yet significant fact : All imported street-legal non-construction and non-agricultural vehicles have duties exceeding 100%.

That means you’re paying two times for the BMW you just got, you stupid rich fool. And BMW has already paid some of that to the Government and keeps the balance. So BMW is getting the normal BMW price for whatever BMW you got, but you paid twice, you heavy-walleted dumbfuck.

Unfortunately even hybrids haven’t been spared. The normal Honda Civic costs around 11 lakhs while the Hybrid version costs 22. Why? Fuck if I know.

Similarly the Toyota Prius is super-expensive, despite being an entry level hatchback in other automobile markets. And tell me, if you (reader) had 30 lakhs, which of these cars will you spend it on :

1) Toyota Fortuner

2) Toyota Prius

3) BMW 3 Series

If you answered Toyota Prius, then fuck off, Pinocchio. You’ll go for the fancy BMW label or, if you feel insufficient about your manhood, you will buy the very large Toyota Fortuner.

In a price conscious country like India, the Prius will be more than a super hit. Atleast among certain sections of the society.

So, coming back to what you can do :

1) Beg, plead, petition, request Toyota to manufacture the Prius locally in India with manual transmission (more fuel saved).

2) Rage, protest, strike (where there are buses burning, people crying, riot police out in full force) the Government into reducing import duties because bitch please : It ain’t 1960 anymore. You can’t protect the automobile industry anymore.

You can do these two simultaneously, if you like.

Pros : You can be a hybrid-driving vegetarian nature-loving hippie, prone to frequent bouts of road rage.

Cons : Your hybrid will not go very fast at all. You will be an embarrassment to other road users.

Seriousness of suggestion : Touching 80%

Pictured : Result of being an angry Indian hippie.

Option 4

Vote the UPA out of power. Pray for (or form) a more effective (sorry, Third Front) non-communal (sorry, BJP and NDA) development (sorry, fucking Communists) oriented party that wins hearts and votes of people all over India.

Pros : No more price rises ideally.

Cons : Unrealistic and will not happen.

Seriousness of suggestion : What do you think?

I see what you did there.


Posted on May 23, 2012, in Just For Laughs, Personal Musings. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Well this is a good way to look at infuriating developments,so many choices,which one to choose? i think i will become the president of India & then take all my zing-bang to other countries….who wants to travel in India?
    P.S-This will be on your account &all other mango men.

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