Road trips.

My new car.

I got a new car. That is the Cadillac CTS. It’s a Grand Tourer. It’s built for driving long distances and looking good and being fast. Why did I get it? I don’t know. It was an impulse buy. I wanted to know what to do with it.

Then I found my answer.

But before I get to my answer, let me put something to you straight fucking away : I am a huge Jupiter sized fan of GTA : San Andreas. It’s the world’s best fucking game, so screw Niko Bellic and his ugly accent. Sure GTA 4 has better graphics, but GTA : SA has life. That’s why I still play it.

Do you know something I do when I’m pissed with one of my dogs when he eats the hamsters? I go to my PC and play San Andreas. Yes, PC. Suck on that iMac fans. You don’t have viruses? Haha, you also don’t have San Andreas.

I go to Las Venturas because it has the hottest cars, and jack one of them, and drive the fuck away. I do this when I’m pissed, so you’d expect me to be rash and kill many, many lifeless NPC pedestrians. I don’t do that. I just drive. On the computer. Between virtual cities. For upto 2 hours.

And it calms me down. Really, it does.

Naturally, being the deductive genius that I am, I fathomed that there’s just something about movement that relaxes the everloving blood pressure in me. That’s why stressed out people actually go on long drives, or long walks – and that’s why I want to go on one too.

And that’s my answer to my car. I just use it for this drive.

Now, I want to go on a really long drive. Like, take a road trip. Not the stupid corny road trips that you see in movies like Due Date or Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, but an actual road trip.

I’d had this idea for a long time, but upon discussion with a recently made friend, I swore to heaven to do it. My logic is simple and unbeatable – Since I am stressed out, by my own logic and reasoning, I need the medicine that is driving (in the real world and not in the virtual world).

I see this as a break from routine. How long can you keep walking around in water with floating dogs and people in it before you get pissed?

But wait. Did you read properly? Approximately 20 lines above this, I mentioned that I wanted to go on an “actual” road trip. “What the hell is an “actual” road trip, ButtChocolate?”, you ask rhetorically, not even remotely curious.

Well Mr.Rhetoric, I shall answer that anyway, because I have completely lost my marbles. I have two main points to make.

1. You have fun.

Fun. Rebecca Black knows what it is :

I don’t have that much fun. I’ve never had that much fun. But I want to. Road trips are fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. You can just go and pick up a random guy thumbing for a lift in the road, convince him that you’re his long lost brother, make him give you a free culinary treat at the next restaurant and ditch him there.

You can drive on endlessly, and you don’t need to follow conventional rules. You can drive your car in reverse. You can race the cops and get arrested. You can just park your car and walk. There’s just so much implication of random freedom in my last 4 sentences that I’m sure I’ve made my point.

You don’t need to do what you’re supposed to do. You can do what you want. Try doing that in a train (crazy man! THROW HIM OFF!) or plane (HIJACKER OMGOMGZOMGWTF). And you can keep doing it forever. I think that’s why nomads like Bedouins remain nomads, though I can’t make a comment on that without actually marrying a Bedouin woman.

If you do keep doing it forever, Mr. Oil Man becomes very happy.

2. You learn a lot.

You learn a lot of things. For example, you learn how good your car is and if selling your OLED T.V for it was a good move. You learn about life, because you’ll inevitably stop the fucking car and think. Drives do that to people.

You learn to control your temper, because some jerk is inevitably going to cut infront of you and you will want to get out of your car to go back in time and throw him in the Atacama when he’s five years old. But how many jerks can wind back in time before people start getting suspicious?

You learn how to drive properly, because driving too fast gobbles up your petrol like cotton in water, as does driving slowly. You learn how to spend money properly, because there’s no estimating how much a road trip will cost in all.

You’ll have a million epiphanies about life and not all of it will be wacky. Being out there and taking a break from life teaches you a lot more than school/college ever can.

You’ll learn that life isn’t what we think it is, and that it’s something else entirely. According to Douglas Adams, the answer to life is 42. I want to go on a road trip to verify this.

You will also end up admiring the sheer beauty that is Mother Nature :

In abrupt and weird conclusion, there are a lot many more reasons to go on road trips than just the two I mentioned. But just thinking about it gives me the sense of freedom married life with a Russian doesn’t. So you can imagine how liberated I’ll be if I actually do it.

Now watch this and trip yourself the fuck out.